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To Live For A Dream

I was jamming to my iPod on one of the three plane rides I've taken in the past 10 days when the club remix for Stevie Nicks' song "Planets of the Universe" came on.

"Well, I know I was wrong to live for a dream," she cries.

I used to think that an odd line in the song. I used to think, "What's wrong with living for a dream? Aren't we all supposed to have dreams and have faith in them? Hell, I've lived for dreams all my life. It's what gets me out of bed in the morning!"

But with the passage of time and the unfolding of events in my life, revisiting this song I have come to understand what Princess Stevie is saying.

If you're living for a dream, you're never really living in the moment, are you?

And if the old addage is true that only you can make yourself happy, which I firmly believe, then you should never be living for a dream! Living for a dream is barking up the wrong tree if that's what gets you out of bed in the mornings! This is why so many people's dreams come true and still they find themselves unhappy, if not even moreso now that the dream is a reality. What's left to awaken for?

I'd like to have goals, not dreams. And I don't want to live for them. I'd like to live for now and for love.

The word "goal" also seems to imply obtain-ability so much more than the sense of impossibility that comes with the word "dream."

So this week, Stevie and I say: Goals, not dreams.

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The GayVN Awards Go "D-List"

Sitting here, back home again in Los Angeles watching The Academy Awards on ABC, I find myself asking the same question I pose every year: Wouldn't I so much rather be invited there than places like The GayVN Awards?

This is the first year my answer is an unhesitant and totally resounding: No. You would seriously have to pay me to give up my ticket for the GayVN's to fill a seat at the Oscar's.

This year's GayVN Awards, or as the mainstream media has dubbed them "the Oscars of gay pornography," has to be the most entertaining awards show of the season -- straight or gay, mainstream or adult. This is not usually the case. In fact, it's probably never been the case. For the past few years, the GayVN's have "scaled down" being held at a night club in West Hollywood where Chi Chi LaRue has managed to single-handedly keep the crowd laughing and the energy flowing as she practically hands out the trophies all by her lonesome. Even before the downsizing of the show though, even back when I first entered the biz as the hilarious Bruce Vilanch was hosting and the multi-talented RuPaul was performing, nothing has ever in the history of the GayVN's compared to Saturday, February 24th at The Castro Theater in San Francisco. This is much in part thanks to the tremendous organization of GayVN heads Doug Oliver (now sadly leaving us to enjoy retirement) and Chad Beecher -- but even more thanks is due to the most mainstream host this show has ever had, reality TV star and stand-up comedianne, Kathy Griffin.

Griffin, whose father had passed just days earlier, was the consumate professional, not only making her scheduled appearance, but being way more outrageous and scandalous than her television or stand-up acts usually allow. "There's nowhere I would rather be tonight than here with you," she said. "You may have heard that my father passed away and if it weren't for my gays asking me to be here with you on your special night, I would probably be home crying right now."

The only emotional moment of the evening out of the way, Kathy got the ball rolling immediately after and thanks to her, the hilarity ensued non-fucking-stop. After six standing ovations throughout the night, I stopped counting. People were so impressed by her, they were doing anything they could to give her awards left and right. GayVN inducted her into their Hall of Fame as an "honorary gay" with a trophy. NakedSword presented her with an award as the first ever NakedSwordsWoman. "I have no idea what this means but I love it," she laughed.

Not only did she perform an entire stand-up act as an opening monologue, taking on the recent antics of Britney Spears and Paula Abdul, but she introduced each presenter with improvised material and even did her homework, commenting on the movies themselves and even incidents from GayVN Awards past like the Michael Lucas "ice throwing" incident. And if all of this wasn't enough to surprise us, her dropping to her knees at Tyler Riggz' crotch, helping him take his shirt off was enough to shock all of us into being her bitch boys for life.

Thankfully, all of this was captured by Kathy's cameras for her television show, My Life on the D-List.

But in the meantime, here is an exclusive first look at Kathy's opening monologue as she gives her take on nominated films like Justice, Michael Lucas' La Dolce Vita and Delinquents.



And Erik Rhodes is going to love me forever for this one! Yes, I managed to capture his entire on stage encounter with Griffin on tape. Take a look at their hot chance encounter.



So! Jason's personal highlights of the evening, right? You can get the other shit just about everywhere else. So let's get to the good stuff.

Caleb Carter had an evening full of ups and downs. Though I had easily a dozen people tell me he looked hotter than they were really able to fathom, he was severely booed from the stage when he quipped that Kathy Griffin was wearing a watch from Target. It wasn't the joke that was bad, but the execution of it! If he had said, "She's wearing a watch from Target. How fabulous is that?!" everyone would have cheered. But instead, he made the mistake of saying, "She's wearing a watch from Target. That's all I have to say!" People thought it was a put down and though he tried to back peddle, it wasn't working.

My choice of Best Dressed for the evening was definitely couple Christian Owen and Adam Killian. They were sharply dressed in attire that would've made Mr. Peanut and the WB frog proud. All they needed were canes and to start singing. It would've been Porn: The Musical!

Of course, you can get a full list of winners at GayVN.com but why bother? Michael Lucas' La Dolce Vita pretty much took every category imaginable. All the ones that counted, at least. It was Lucas's year to shine and he broke the industry's record for most awards won by a single video. His arm candy for the evening was his co-star, Vivid contract girl Savannah Sampson, who won Best Non-Sex Performance for her role in the movie, tying with Paul Baressi for his work in The Velvet Mafia, shockingly one of Falcon's only wins.

The most shocking thing of all though is that when Lucas won the final award of the evening, Best Picture, the audience was so exasperated with his many wins that over half of the auditorium stood up and started to leave before Lucas even made it to the stage to give his um-hundreth acceptance speech.

Damon Phoenix is dating... get this! A drag diva! Or is she a tranny? I think she's just a draggie. (See photo below.) Yup. They're living together. And very happy! Craziest thing of all? I think it could last for a while! They've got staying power. I think the bitch is adorable and they make a cute couple!

A very sober Erik Rhodes introduced us all to his new boyfriend of four months now as his date. (Also, see photo below!) His boyfriend has no interest in getting involved in front of the camera and they seem very much in love.

Danny Roddick and Alex Chandler have split again and this time it's for real. They gave it one last shot a few months back, but the relationship has just played itself out and they are both moving on.

Jason Ridge said he's dating Caleb Carter now and that he fucked him earlier in the day. There's a couple that will last a few weeks and we can only hope one of MTV's many shows that Caleb has been on will be there to capture it.

Jesse Santana's boyfriend Josh was showing off lots of skin at the after party! (And yet again, see photos below.) I think it's safe to say you'll see him starring with Jesse sooner than later.

Rod Barry approached his former manager David Forest in streaming tears, pleading forgiveness for having agreed to cooperate with police about the Meet the Stars program during Forest's trial last year. Forest forgave him and it was quite the scene!

Harlow Cuadra, whose name has been linked with the Bryan Kocis murder scandal, was seen in the audience, clearly not "on the run," as previously reported.

As they were about to list the movie nominees for Best Sex Comedy, Andy Kirra screamed from the audience, "Brandon Baker!" People were in tears from laughing so hard.

I spent quite a bit of time with Scott Boardman during and after the ceremony believe it or not. He asked me several times to appear at Cocktails with the Stars this Thursday night to dish with him on the gossip of The GayVN Awards. I'm not sure how that will work out with me being banned from Micky's, but I'm definitely up for it if they are and will let you know on the "News Desk" if I will, indeed, be there.

Gino Colbert presenting the Hall of Famers this year was just a vision of perfection. His professionalism, his research into the inductees, his suit -- he is the ultimate pro and no one could've done it better!

I have had a lot of porn stars pull some extremely "sweet" favors in hopes of getting me to write good things about them (you can only imagine!), but never has anyone done anything so sweet as to send me a cake in the mail every month. Falcon Studios exclusive Ashton Star, who was doning a Clark Kent look for the evening as one of the trophy boys, is in culinary school and specializes in pastries. And so, I have been enrolled in Ashton's Cake of the Month Club. Of which, I am the only member. Ashton, my favorite is red velvet and I will be glad to review your pastries as well as your anal expeditions.

I made my way backstage to see Kathy Griffin after the show and we bonded over our mutal hatred for Ryan Seacrest -- me because he insinuated I was a porn star on his show and tried to sue me for using his last name (it is, by the way, my real name) and she because he axed her from working for E!'s red carpet because she's prettier and funnier than he'll ever be. She was such an inspiration to me as a host, not only because of her incredible talent, but even more because of her work ethic. Truly to be admired.

Kathy Griffin did more for the gay porn industry in two hours than anyone did with their movies this year. And with the entire thing being captured and soon to be aired on the third season of her Bravo show, My Life on the D-List, The GayVN Awards are going to become a really hot ticket for many years to come.

GayVN Pre-Party

That Tom Weiss and Brandon Baker over at RentBoy.com sure know how to throw a party! It's interesting what with all of the San Francisco based porn companies insisting on holding The GayVN Awards in their town this year that it's a Los Angeles based company that goes all out and throws the best "welcome bash" of the weekend. Originally billed as the "unofficial" pre-party for the GayVN's, the GayVN's themselves even contacted RentBoy at the eleventh hour to please make their soiree at The End Up "official." Good call! Those hookers know a party.

I arrived with Photo Tom so I could capture all of the night's debauchery by way of the lens. I was running around doing video interviews with all of the porn stars throughout the evening for Adult Undercover, exclusively available to members here at JasonCurious.com. (Look for it in the next couple of weeks!) Meanwhile, RentBoy's HostBoy Angel Benton was the emcee of the festivities. Well, briefly. First he was supposed to host the entire event with Coco LaChine. Then Coco bowed out and said she "just wanted to party" -- and boy was she ever! At one point, she was literally making love to a wall. It was like that scene in Superstar where Mary Katherine Gallagher gets it on with the tree. Benton was fine with taking on the stage work, but got his time cut down from 20 minutes to 15 minutes to then 5 minutes to finally, "Just throw out some t-shirts and introduce the dancers." He made the most of it and it was better "short and sweet" anyway. Total pro!

I ran into Barrett Long who tells me that he is in talks to start his own adult video production company. He wants to make it gay and wants to star in the movies he's producing.

Jesse Santana was there with his boyfriend, a hot blonde stud named Josh (see photos!), who says he will decide by the end of the weekend if he wants to make the jump and start working on camera with Jesse. Let's hope! I hear he's got a thick cock.

Kyle Aames appeared, looking very studious with a very normal looking girlfriend who must have no problem with what he does for a living.

Can I tell you who I have a little crush on? Jeremy from the Starrfucker blog. I have known him since his "Joey and Carlo" days and there is just something about him. And it's not just that he has a massive fucking cock. He's got something else going on. He so much as touches me and I get goosebumps. I would date him if he wasn't such a slut. And if I weren't. Not to assume he'd even be interested. I think he's a top only anyway.

Chi Chi LaRue tells me she has stopped DJ'ing at Cocktails with the Stars and that her exclusive Benjamin Bradley is currently on "suspension" from his contract so that he can go pursue his new modeling and dance work with his boyfriend, Ethan Reynolds, for a while.

Chad Hunt and his boyfriend, who I totally adore, showed up. Of course the night wouldn't be complete without Trevor Knight whipping his cock out and you can be sure Chad was there to suck it!

Friends of Tory Mason's were propping him up at the beginning of the night, angry that some "higher up" from a very prestigious porn company had been getting him totally trashed for several hours. I made sure to interview him before he sobered up. Don't worry, Tory. You didnt' say anything incriminating. You could hardly say anything at all. I just kept calling you Tori Amos and asking you to sing "Silent All These Years." Eventually, LaRue joined in and started asking Tory to sing "Strawberry Girl" at which point I think I may have peed just a little because the song is actually called "Raspberry Swirl."

Other celebrity attendees included Drew Reeves, Pete Ross, Tyler Riggz, Billy Masters, Mario Cruz, Lex Sabre, Cole Ryan, Rusty, Andy Kirra, Chad Donovan and Antonio Madiera.

As the night drew to a close, I ate one of the dancer's asses, made out with Chi Chi LaRue for a little bit (Look, I don't have an answer for you! She's just this powerhouse of all things sexy and I am but a weakling!) and left around 3:30 am.

Must run now and prepare for the big show tonight!

The Sex Strike Is Over

So we knew it couldn't last forever. After having gone over two months without sex (the longest I've gone in over seven years!), I couldn't help myself from the studs of southern Florida. What can I say? I'm a sucker for those young surfers and college preps. Not only that, but it was worth the wait because it was hands down the best sex I've ever had in my entire life. It may have been the longest too! We kept at it for like 3 1/2 hours. Stone cold sober at that! We were both a little disappointed that we don't live closer. This actually happened at another point on the trip as well. I finally find genuinely nice guys who are great fucks and want to date me, and they live in the town I ran from! Go figure.

Overall, I was really happy with the trip. My mother and I got a lot of time to hang out and just talk about where we both are in our lives, where we're headed, how we think we wound up here in the first place. I also paid a visit to my ex-stepfather. We don't have much in common -- only interest we ever really shared was my mother -- but he always manages to make me laugh and to remind me of better memories in our past.

I didn't get any sleep last night because I had to be up at 3 am anyway to head to Tampa airport. An hour and a half to Charlotte, an hour layover and then 6 hours to San Francisco. I slept for a couple of hours here in the hotel room and am now getting ready to head out to the offical GayVN Awards pre-party tonight at The End Up.

Did I ever tell you I really don't like San Francisco? It's just not my kind of town. And besides, I can't wait to get home.

Liza's New Show: Minnelli on Thompson

Just got back from seeing the incomparable Liza Minnelli perform at The Van Wezel in Sarasota, Florida. All I can say is: Wow! I thought last time she was here was the best I've seen her in the five years I've been a fan, but everyone in the audience agreed -- she's even better than she was a year ago! More thin (she's dropped a total of 30 pounds now!), way more energy, lots more dancing and in even better voice! Just incredible to see what you can do when you set your mind to it considering she was once diagnosed with encephalitis and told she would never walk or sing again much less dance and belt. She's such an inspiration.

Liza has been working on a new show that will pay tribute to the music of her godmother, Kay Thompson, which we were lucky enough to preview in the second act, complete with backup dancers and choreography. Liza dances so much she has to use a head set microphone for the first time since her days at Radio City in the early 90's!

In total, she did two 45 minute sets with a 20 minute intermission inbetween.

ACT ONE

I Can See Clearly Now/I Can See It
Old Friends
Here I'll Stay/Our Love Is Here To Stay
Come In From The Rain
Sara Lee
You've Let Yourself Go
He's Funny That Way
What Did I Have That I Don't Have?
Cabaret

ACT TWO

Look for the Silver Lining (Hum/Intro)
Hello, Hello/Howdy
Jubilee Time
Louisiana Purchase
Basin Street Blues
Clap O' Your Hands
Liza (sung by "The William Brothers")
Look for the Silver Lining (Reprise)
I Love A Violin
But the World Goes 'Round
Theme From "New York, New York"
My Shining Hour

This new material of Kay Thompson's is PERFECTLY suited for Liza. It's just all so fast though! You know, Kay did it when she was a lot younger. That Liza can pull it off at 60 years old is just amazing. There's TONS of dancing! LOTS of choreography! It's very reminiscent of the Broadway show Minnelli on Minnelli -- but in stronger voice and better shape now. Was a real treat and I hope she keeps at honing the show and makes it a full-on production. Their hard work is really paying off. She is currently working with "the good people over at" Showtime to make it a live televised concert, DVD, CD and tour.

First my left foot, then my right.

I am in Florida right now hanging with my mom before heading to San Francisco for The GayVN Awards. I have turned on my computer for the first time in two days to over 500 emails and hundreds of blog comments I need to sift through. I should never, ever take a day off. I'm praying half of my emails are spam. On the other hand, it's good to feel wanted.

Anyway, I just wanted to drop a quick line to let you know I'm alive. Having recently written here about being so influenced by my parents in the way I handle love and relationships, it's interesting to be back here, so close to the womb as I work towards castrating this part of me that run towards that which withholds affection. In some weird way, this trip feels like returning to the scene of the crime.

So the song of the week is Tori Amos's "Mother." I love my mother beyond words, but I don't need to follow in her footsteps. There's so much about who she is that I want to continue to emluate, but that doesn't mean I have to emulate all the choices she's made and what she does. That's what this song, in part, is about.

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Top 10 Favorite Romantic Movies

Valentine's Day is here and I LOVE this holiday. Why people seem to feel the day is ruined if they are single is a concept lost on me. I love romance and I love the day on which we celebrate it wether I am single, with someone, out on the town or just holed up in my apartment watching my favorite romantic movies with a big bowl of popcorn and a box of kleenex!

Here's my top ten personal picks if you're alone at home on V-Day or looking to take in a quiet movie at home with your favorite cuddler:

10. The Sterile Cuckoo - Mia Farrow once called Liza Minnelli's performance in this film, "The best acting performance by a woman on film." It is one of the most overlooked pieces in Minnelli's repotoire as she portrays Pookie Adams, a frightfully co-dependent girl who teeters on the verge of falling in love or having a nervous breakdown at any given moment. Ultimately though, Cuckoo is for us outsiders what Splendor in the Grass might be for the prom queens. It's reminiscent of first love as a rite of passage and how it changes our lives forever. Best Quote: "Save me a seat."

9. The Way We Were - If ever there was an original on-screen duo that was sure to make you weep it was Barbra Streisand and Robert Redford. Again, it hits outsiders at their core with Streisand lusting after a man she thinks is totally out of her league only to find once getting together with him that it's he who is out of her's. As two very different people going in very different directions, they find that sometimes love just isn't enough. Best Quote: "You'll never find anyone as good for you as I am, to believe in you as much as I do or to love you as much."



8. Threesome - Probably my most unlikely pick for a "most romantic movie" on the list, but Lara Flynn Boyle, Josh Charles and Stephen Baldwin never fail to make me cry in this coming of age sex-com. Three best friends in college: She loves the gay boy, he loves the straight boy and he loves she who has no interest in he! But their friendship knows no bounds and through their love for each other, they try in every way possible to find ways to compromise and to cope. Best Quote: "If you eat my yogurt again, I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna fucking kill you."

7. The Goodbye Girl - The screen adaptation of this Neil Simon script might be one of the few to be light years better than the play. Marsha Mason and Richard Dreyfuss are thrown together by a comedy of errors that forces Dreyfuss to become selfless and Mason to let down her defenses. It's not so much the story as it is the perfect dialogue for the perfect actors that makes you fall in love with these two as they fall in love with each other. Best Quote: "I was an Elizabethan fruit fly. I was the Betty Boop of Startford-on-Avon. I was putird. Capital P, capital U, capital TRID."



6. The Bridges of Madison County - Meryl Streep's secret love affair with Clint Eastwood is one for the record books when it comes to unrequited love and "the one that got away." Their on screen chemistry sizzles in this perfect screenplay adaptation of the bestselling novel about two people's last chance at finding true love beyond the details of their mundane existences. Best Quote: "When a woman makes the choice to marry, to have children, in one way her life begins, but in another way it stops. You never think that love like this can happen to you."

5. On Golden Pond - Who doesn't want to be Katherine Hepburn and Henry Fonda after seeing this movie? It almost makes getting old look fun! With a love that has lasted a lifetime, they find that while they may have slowed down, life around them moves rapidly forward. Their banter is as eternal as their bond. But with Jane Fonda's own tale of finding love, it is a veritable changing of the seasons, with she in spring and her parents in winter on Golden Pond. Best Quote: "You know, Norman, you really are the sweetest man in the world, but I'm the only one who knows it."



4. Sleepless in Seattle - The ultimate Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan pairing, Sleepless gives us all hope that everything we experience in life is meant to lead us to that special someone. In the most unlikely of premises with the most insurmountable of obstacles, we find ourselves rooting for the impossible and praying that these two find each other by the movie's end. It's the supporting performances too of greats like Rosie O'Donnell and Rob Reiner that make every second of the movie shine. Best Quote: "What is tiramisu?!"

3. Titanic - It is the Gone with the Wind of my generation, that epic movie that comes around only once in our lifetimes that we go back to the theater to see over and over again. It sparked Leo mania and it made all us hate the theme song, but above all else it is a timeless classic of a love far bigger and stronger than the boat it's named after. Best Quote: "I'd rather be his whore than your wife."



2. Casablanca - Ingrid Bergman must be one of the most beautiful women who have ever walked the face of the planet. And to watch Humphrey Bogart give that up to save something so much greater than himself makes us all believe in that superhuman type of man who would put his own heart on the railroad to protect that which he believes in and loves. Best Quote: "If that plane leaves the ground and you're not with him, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon and for the rest of your life."




1. Moulin Rouge - I've actually broken up with people because they hated Moulin Rouge. Seems silly, but I just know in my heart that the love of my life would never "hate" something so romantic, so why waste my time? It is, to me, everything that a great romance should be: Passion, drama and music. Maybe it hits me so hard because I do work in an industry full of Satines and I've seen so many "penniless poets" fall so hard for them. Whatever the case may be, I never tire of seeing Nicole Kidman's icy heart melt at Ewan McGregor's warm words and how they make such beautiful music together. I think I may have had a heart like her's until the year this movie came out. Moulin Rouge taught me how important it is to be open to love and it continues to remind me that love will find you even in the most unlikely places. Best Quote: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

Until she herself became the toxic garden...

I have this overwhelming sense of guilt since posting what I did about my last relationship last week. It took me forever to figure out why I should feel so awful for doing what I always do: Calling it like I see it, stating what has happened and using this "diary" and you, dear Curious Reader, as my therapist.

As I mentioned in that entry, getting over "the damage done" in that relationship is going to be a process that I'll be living out here, as usual. At first, I thought you might be tired of hearing about it, but I seem to get more comments and emails when I do battle with my own personal demons than I do when talking about going out to the latest social event. And for that, I'm really grateful.

So for our weekly "session," I suppose I should reveal that I have come to understand the guilt that I felt over that entry titled, "The Damage Done." As much as I may have sworn that I was not finger pointing or placing blame, I think I probably was what with the laundry list of hurtful things I felt my ex had inflicted upon me. But this week I have really looked back on so many of my past relationships and friendships only to find that it's not just him and that he probably wasn't even the worst of the bunch. Almost all of my relationships and friendships have been in some way or another abusive, dating back to my best friend in early high school years. And if it's all of these people, I don't have enough fingers to be pointing at them.

So it's not him. And it's not them. It's me.

It doesn't make the way they operate any more okay or less hurtful even, but it does mean that I am a magnet for these kind of personalities. It's the only kind of relationship I saw growing up and it's the way in which affection from my main male parental figure, my step-father, was shown to me. It's what I've been conditioned to.

Fortunately, the upside of that is that it also means it's not who I am. I didn't come out of the womb this way, ya know? So now it's just a matter of changing.

I find I'm catching myself a lot more these days. I am much more careful about the people I let into my life. I ask myself, "Is this someone you want to be close to? Is this someone who can put something before themselves? Someone who can be selfless or someone who is just indulgent?" Even when it comes to work, I found just this past week two instances where I was asking to be involved in something only because they didn't want me involved! It wasn't going to do anything for my career! But because they didn't want me, I wanted them more. (Which I suppose explains the lust for straight guys too, huh? I told you there would be an entry about that!)

I am attracted to what cuts me down, what makes me feel less than, what withholds affection, what is emotionally and/or physically unavailable... just like good old step-daddy.

My ex-boyfriend and my ex-best-friend of seven years, Mikey, is not a bad guy. He just, like me, had a lot of bad habits. I remain in grief and mourning for the loss of that relationship and am disappointed that I had to sever the closest bond I've had to anyone outside of my birth parents in order for me to grow and for my life to change for the better.

He is my childhood. He is everything I grew to hate about myself. He is everything I miss from living that indulgent lifestyle. And he is, of course, none of those things, but his own person.

The song of the week is Fleetwood Mac's "Running Through the Garden," as princess Stevie finally realizes with age that it is she herself that is as destructive as the flowers, too many to cut down, in her garden.

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Notes from The XBiz Awards

I took Richelle Ryan as my date Thursday night to The 5th Annual XBiz Awards at The Highlands in Hollywood where I presented the Best GLBT Company honor to Cybersocket and did red carpet reporting for both KSEXradio and JasonCurious.com. (Look for all the hilarity later this month here on JC TV's Adult Undercover.)

Here's some key moments I remember, just off the top of my head:

- Devinn Lane was asking that her photo not be taken. She'd had to put her dog to sleep just hours earlier and was totally distraught.

- Mary Carey brings two bodyguards with her wherever she goes, which is just the most hilarious and ridiculous thing ever, but I think it's super cool. I want to borrow them. Especially the big black lesbian. She's fierce. No one fucks with her. Mary and I discussed our common bond over mainstream celebrities trying to sue us over names despite the fact that they are real. I was surprised when Mary told me she's not on any drugs because she never really looks at anyone when she talks. Or anything for that matter. She sort of stares off into space when she talks to you and seems very, very sleepy.

- Tera Patrick is either on a lot of vicodin or Evan Seinfeld's cock just really makes her THAT happy! I have never seen anyone so calm, collected and living in Happy Land. She loves EVERYTHING. X Biz Awards? "I love the XBiz Awards..." Hosting the show? "I love hosting this show..." Her company? "I love my company..." Girl's happy I guess, what can I say? Good for her. She's a great host too for these kinds of shows. To the point and keeps it flowing quickly. Not a lot of banter.

- Jesse Jane is not quite as thin as that awful photo circulating on the Internet makes her look, but she's still thin as fuck. You can feel her bones when you hug her. She said she is upset by the rumors of her anorexia and that has provided other photos of herself that no one seems to be posting.

- Lynn LeMay was supposed to co-host the red carpet with me for KSEX but didn't show up until we were half-way through and then seemed rather peeved that I had taken over. She seemed a little shaky, in a constant state of motion, with one of those grandma lipstick jobs that smear up sort of up towards her nose. She was not a happy camper and was claiming that Evan Seinfeld actually pushed her out of the camera's way. But then, she was also claiming she was on time, so who knows what "time" it is in Lynn's world.

- Flower Tucci tells me she had sex with Simon Rex the other day, which I'm pretty jealous of because I've been getting off to his solo videos since I was a teenager. I almost wanted to go down on her just to see if I could still taste his cock. You know, two degrees of Simon's penis, right? She said he doesn't last very long though. Three thrusts in her doggy style and he was shooting all over the place saying he "wasn't used to" banging porn stars. I actually presented the award with her.

- Angel Benton showed up with porn star Andy Kirra. The photo of him and I together is possibly my favorite yet. The fact that we're using the same skin care products these days really shows! And Angel has clearly taught me how to smile without moving my forehead which is a terrific talent I suggest anyone in on-camera work learn.

The ceremony itself was pretty amazing. Very polished, very professional, mostly because of this chick named Brenda who may have been the biggest bitch you've ever met but kept the damned thing so organized it was off the hook.

Richelle and I bolted, grabbed some grub at Mel's Diner and then headed to The Abbey in Weho for some Shirley Temples before heading home. Considering that we'd been shopping on Melrose all afternoon, our feet were killing us by the end of the night.

She will also, by the way, be my date to The GayVN Awards where she's hoping to meet her favorite gay porn stars: Benjamin Bradley, Erik Rhodes and Jason Hawke. She's a big fan!