The Emotional Roller Coaster That Was Chicago

Chicago.

It is one of my favorite cities in America. It features the best of everything: the bustle and hustle of the big city with a down to earth mid-western feel, weather where the seasons actually change, the best gay bars and clubs, great food, real people, thriving businesses...

So it should come as no surprise that in the city that features the best of both worlds, I would experience the highest of highs and the lowest of lows throughout Grabby Awards weekend.


DAY ONE

I feel like my weekend began as soon as I ran into gay porn star Nick Capra and director Jett Blakk at LAX airport. We were both on the same flight. I had hosted my porn show at Here Lounge the night before until 2 am and still needed to pack and finish some last minute work when I came home, so with a car scheduled to take me to the airport at 6 am, I opted not to sleep at all. Needless to say, I was a little slap happy at the airport, making jokes about anyone and everyone who we were bound to see throughout the weekend. Capra, who used to make those jokes with me, has changed his tune since rehab and instead met my quips with, "Awww, but he's so sweet!" at every turn. Eventually I asked him when he became so boring. Thankfully Blakk was there to laugh heartily at everything I said, making me feel like I was at least entertaining someone and that was enough to keep me awake until the plane ride where I got probably a total of 3 hours of Z's.

The three of us also ended up sharing a cab from O'Hare to downtown Chicago which must've lasted 40 minutes and seemed like two hours. I was looking forward to seeing more of them throughout the weekend, but barely saw either for the rest of the trip.

A friend of mine -- one of those "I'd be dating him if he lived here" friends -- Ben lives only a few hours outside of Chicago and decided to drive in to see me Thursday night since I had the hotel room to myself until Jet Set Men exclusive Aaron James arrived Friday afternoon.

Ben and I have a lot of history. Constant readers will remember Mikey, my former best friend of five years who I ended up falling in love with and was my boyfriend for nearly two additional years before my Big Life Change of 2006. Well, Ben was Mikey's boyfriend when I moved to West Hollywood and first became best friends with him. Ben and I were great friends too and the three of us used to hang out a lot. I caught up with Ben when he visited L.A. a few months ago and we ended up kissing on a dare and ended up liking it way more than we thought we would and spent the night together. Since that evening, we've kept in touch and been closer friends than ever.

So needless to say, I was elated to see Ben and have him spend the night with me in Chicago. We made our way to the Grabby Welcome Party at Spin and, for Ben, it was a whirlwind that he was not at all expecting. A flood of porn stars coming up to greet us, a few people asking for autographs (that barely ever happens to me unless it's Grabby weekend!), photographers asking me for pictures, all of which just seemed like another great porn party to me.

But for anyone who is your date but isn't a part of that world. they suddenly feel like... well, you name it. The trophy wife. Arm candy. An accessory. And while I have become very good at including whoever is in that position in conversations, I have also come to realize there is nothing really that I can do that will ever make that person feel any differently.

For Ben it was no different (I know because he told me so right there at the party!), except fortunately he was not about to let it ruin his fun or stop him from having a good time. And that was a nice change!

Ben and I took off with Sister Roma and Mr. Pam to stop by Brent Corrigan's night at Hydrate before heading to Chi Chi LaRue and Howard Marr's big kick off party at Charlie's.

On the long walk to Hydrate, I got a phone call from my father.

I felt like an ass leaving Ben with two people he didn't know and leaving Roma and Pam with Ben who was getting increasingly drunk, but my dad doesn't call me this late at night and I knew I had to take the call.

It was there, standing on the streets of Chicago freezing in a t-shirt and jeans, that I found out my aunt and my stepmother's mom had both been diagnosed with breast cancer in the same week. My father was also dealing with his own stress-related health problems. I didn't know what to do or say but cry. So I just stood there. And listened to him for over a half hour until the battery on my cell died.

I pulled myself together and rejoined the group at Hydrate just long enough to say hello to Brent before heading out to Charlie's.

The second we walked in, I saw Brandon Baker who had made a t-shirt that said "I [HEART] Jason Sechrest" on the front of it and "...a little bit." on the back. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. A smile was back on my face thanks to his little joke, which warmed my heart more than he knew, and the Jason Sechrest of JasonCurious.com was back in the house and ready for a drink.

Chi Chi's DJ'ing was amazing, the FabScout porn stars dancing were incredible and Ben was kind enough to give me the space and go off on his own while I hung out with a lot of my friends like Jason Ridge, Christian Owen, Tory Mason, Sister Roma, Cort Donovan, Blake Riley, Rusty and to make new friends in people like Damien Crosse and Francesco D'Macho.

But the best part of all was having someone as wonderful as Ben to stumble back to my hotel with for the night. In the midst of bad news, my friends and family and lover for the weekend made me feel loved and taken care of. And I knew falling asleep that night that everything was going to be all right.


DAY TWO

Ben and I awakened in the afternoon on Friday and I asked him to stay with me another day. He cancelled work and decided to go get his friend Sarah so we could all go to lunch for some of that famous Chicago pizza.

On the ride there, Sarah, asked who my friend was I'd be rooming with for the rest of the weekend. "Oh he's a gay porn star," I said. "Well, actually, he's a straight guy who works as a gay porn star."

"OH!" she gasped. "I just saw a show all about that on MTV with some guy -- "

"Yeah, that's him. Aaron James. He's a Jet Set exclusive. I'm his publicist and he's with me for the rest of the weekend."

I met up with Aaron and Jet Set's other publicity machine, John Patrone, back at the hotel after lunch before we headed out to see The Tim & Roma Show live on stage at Hydrate where Roma was to interview dozens and dozens of porn stars. She was kind enough to let us sneak in early so we could all get a table up front where we could shoot video and photos.

After the show, Blake Riley and I wanted to head over to The Lucky Horseshoe for the Raging Stallion party but Erik Rhodes needed to eat first so we all decided to go to Nookies to grab some grub. But somewhere, on the way out the door, someone ran into Stacey Bridges, the head of Gay Chicago Magazine and the Grabby's. When they asked him if he wanted to go eat with us, he said he was eating across the street and to meet him there -- not knowing we had a group of our own. So now there was a whole pile of us, including Ben and Sarah!, going to eat at Stacey's dinner -- and he was so sweet and accomodating, putting everyone on his tab for the night. Blake and I shared the best escargo either of us ever had (which Erik Rhodes was too pussy to try) and crabcakes.

There was a female piano player there singing old standards softly in the background and I tipped her, asking her to perform "When Sunny Get Blue," which she did. Erik Rhodes and Blake Riley kept threatening me to sing a song which I totally would have if I wasn't drunk off my ass. I can't drink and sing. Some people get better when they're drunk. Me, not so much.

On the way to The Lucky Horseshoe, Erik Rhodes said something about how sometimes he just wants to pick me up and throw me in a dumpster. Blake Riley was kind enough to point one out to him so he proceeded to do so. He didn't really throw me in though. He was just teasing, although for a quick minute it felt like high school all over again. And something about Erik Rhodes picking me up and carrying me, I have rarely ever in my life felt so safe. It was completely and utterly one of the hottest things ever. I developed a little crush on him that night.

I felt bad that I wasn't spending any time with Aaron James so I called him once we were at The Lucky Horseshoe and asked him to come out with us. He found us in there, though how he did I'll never know. It was so packed it was uncomfortable. It was made even more uncomfortable by the fact that the Raging Stallion boys were performing live sex shows so there was a lot of beer, sweat and lord only knows what other bodily fluids going around.

While Erik Rhodes was eating it up (literally!), I for one wanted to hurl and made my way to a corner to hide with Ben, Sarah, Roma, Mark from Gay Chicago, Blake and Aaron.

By the way, I should mention, I've hung out with Roma many times but never as much as I did on this trip and it is easy to see why everyone totally loves her. She is attentive, funny and knows how to have a good time but is never sloppy. It's always a genuine thrill to be with her and it was great seeing her show Friday night and hanging out with her later at The Lucky Horseshoe.

If this were a television show, now would be where the screen cuts to black and you hear the announcer saying, "We now interrupt this program..." -- and you, unfortunate viewer, are never able to know how the rest of the evening really panned out.

We're interrupting your "Diary" entry for a Public Service Announcement about being friends with people who do drugs. There are two types of people who do drugs: The people for whom it is fun and the people who are trying desperately to have fun but can't quite seem to get there. The first is your recreational drug user who despite frequency has it under control. The second is the addict who has nothing under control. Either you control the drugs or the drugs control you and there is no inbetween there. You're either one or the other.

When it comes to drugs, I have two personal stances: Everything in moderation and there is a time and a place for everything. For some people though, moderation is not an option. Some people can't NOT do drugs if the drugs are in the vicinity regardless of the time, the place, who it belongs to or what it's going to take for them to get it. I can't be angry at these people because it's really an illness, for which there are thankfully treatments and help groups. But though I'm not angry with those people, it's hard to be friends with them. A hardcore "user" will eventually use you.

On Friday night, someone I considered a friend "used" me. I was left feeling betrayed, violated, vulnerable and even a little bit scared.


DAY THREE

I awakened, again in the late afternoon. I couldn't shake what had happened the night before and felt like I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out.

Ben had spent the night at Sarah's and was headed back home. I was getting ready for the big awards show in my hotel room with Aaron James. I had decided I was going to go in "boy drag" and wear this kind of metallic purple button up shirt with matching eye shadow and lipstick. It was the kind of thing you can only pull off if you're in a good mood. It's not the kind of thing you want to be caught frowning in, you know? But even the smiles I pulled off at the ceremony seemed utterly fake to me in the photos and I had a really difficult time getting into the spirit of the evening.

I decided then I might as well resign myself to the idea that my weekend was ruined. I didn't hang out with anyone. I sat in the Jet Set booth with Andrew Rosen and John Patrone and tried to just enjoy the show.

As soon as the awards were over, I couldn't stand all that makeup on my face for another minute and decided to stop by my hotel and get more comfortable for the after party. I shared a cab with T Ball and vented all of my frustration to him, God bless him. He is the Keeper of Sechrest's Secrets, really. He knows all and doesn't say a word to anyone about anything.

I felt so much more comfortable with the makeup off, now in jeans and a hoody and ready to enjoy the after party. Brandon Baker bought me several drinks straight away and I helped Rusty with the VIP booth for a little while. The RentBoy.com crew is like an extended family to me and you can't really be around them without genuinely smiling. They always manage to make the world a little bit brighter.

About an hour later, I got a text from Chi Chi LaRue asking me to come find her. She was on the other end of the club in a VIP booth of her own. I didn't even know there was another one! I strolled over there and the second she saw me, she gives me the biggest, longest, tightest bear hug I think I've ever received in my life. I tried really, really hard not to cry. Somehow she just knew how much I needed that at that moment.

And for the rest of the evening, Chi Chi made sure I was taken care of. Right by her side and never out of her sight. There's always one wild and fun night in Chicago with Chi Chi and me -- and this one turned out to be it. We all went over to Erik West's place where he played the most accomodating host for the evening and morning to many of us. I hung out there with Chi Chi, Erik, Roma and one of my favorite Chicago drag queens Velicity while getting to meet a couple of trannys, Amanda Brandt and Aurora Sexton. It was one helluva party with porn stars, trannys, drag queens and strangers all sitting around talking about everything from porn to politics.


As much as I may have learned in the last two years that life outside of porn is essential, I can never discount the true friends I have here. Many of you have been a familiar face, a savior, a guardian angel, a rock, a mom... when I needed it most.

In a few weeks, it will be my 10 year anniversary of working in adult entertainment. As much as I need things in my life that are not porn related and as much as I strive to go on and do other things with my career, how could I ever really leave completely? I have too my friends here to leave.

I still don't know why I was embraced by this community ten years ago or why I continue to be let into your club when I had nothing to do with it.

But you should know that I'm grateful and I appreciate it and through the jokes and the gossip, that's one thing I don't get the opportunity to say nearly enough.

FOR PHOTOS & VIDEO FROM GRABBY WEEKEND, SEE:

JASONCURIOUS.COM/DESK/

Life Without Internet And The Lessons Learned

So I was switching Internet Service Providers early last week and ended up having to go without Internet access altogether from Sunday through Wednedsay, something I haven't done since, I don't know, maybe when I was 15 and grounded from signing onto bulletin board systems? Remember them?

Anyway, I think the universe was trying to teach me a lesson or two. So here they are.

For those four days, I only had Internet access four to six hours a day available to me at my webmaster's place. During that small time frame, I had to get done all of my web updates and anything else that needed handling on the Internet. You'd never believe how much I got done in such a short period of time! By not allowing myself to cruise the web for gossip, not allowing myself to get caught in a YouTube cycle, not allowing myself to randomly click from one thing to the next, I got done more in a day than I do in a week! So...

LESSON #1: I NEED TO LIMIT MY AMOUNT OF TIME ON THE INTERNET!

This was also particularly helpful because while some of you may have been following the scandal of my public fued with D&R last week on all of the gossip sites and blogs, I didn't have time to! At first, it killed me not being able to read up on everything everyone was saying about it, but then I remembered what my long-time reader Martin always says: "Just as it's none of your business what's going on in someone else's head, it's none of your business what anyone thinks of you!"

LESSON #2: IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS WHAT ANYONE THINKS OF YOU!

Also, not being able to get on the Internet until I was at my webmasters in the afternoon meant I had to fill my morning with the things my morning should be filled with: Meditating, yoga, running errands, going to the gym, etc. I find that if I open my laptop first thing in the morning with my tea, I never get up from it for the rest of the day. I need to get done everything else that needs to be done in the day before I decide to sit down to read hundreds of emails and dozens of web sites. There is ALWAYS something more to be done on the computer in my life, so once I sit down, it's hard to walk away.

LESSON #3: I NEED TO GET DONE EVERYTHING BEFORE SITTING DOWN AT THE COMPUTER!

In addition, this also helps a great deal in starting my day on a more happy note.

Think about. I wake up, I walk Sadie, I grab my tea, I'm all groggy before the caffeine hits, I sit down and the first thing that hits me are all those emails and you can bet your ass that a few of them are complaints and less than complimentary or kind in tone. And that sets my tone for the whole day: Something's not gotten done, there is no way I can get done everything that needs to get done by the end of the day and someone's inevitably not happy with me about something. Lovely! Yeah, no more of that. Let's start the day with the errands and the gym and all that instead I think. This is why people have offices, I now understand.

So, when I got my Internet back up and running I kept to this routine for the rest of the week and I've got to tell you, it's like I'm a whole new person. I've never smiled more in a day!

On Friday night, I had a special event at MJ's Bar, just promoting our Thursday night show, Porn Star Alley. The owners of MJ's want me to do a one-off Friday night thing now and then just to let their patrons know on the busiest happy hour of the week that there's something really cool going on there every Thursday. I had with me the help of Lex Sabre, Blake Riley, Dominik Rider, Johnny Hurston and Nick Piston -- all of who I am now totally in debt to for just lending their support as friends. Very cool of them all to do that. But it was definitely fun, too! We had cocktails and got a good buzz on before I headed over to The Other Side to see new Friday night pianist Greg Gilena.




It's a new format there for the next month while James Lent is out of town so I'll be singing there on different evenings and with different pianists. (See the schedule in the events section or on MySpace calendar to keep up!) My friend Peter is hosting and singing the majority of the night with a couple of guest singers doing an entire five or six song set! My guest set night will be on Friday, May 30th for anyone who wants to come.

On Saturday, I hung out with Andy Kirra all day. We hung at The Grove, saw Prince Caspian and then headed back to his house and chilled there with his kick ass roommate Michelle who I adore. Andy is usually my "drinking buddy." We like to get totally shit faced together, but neither of us had a drop and I think it's shockingly the most fun we've had together! He has really become one of my best friends and I'm so grateful to have him in my life.

I was at The Grove on Sunday too, but this time with Chi Chi LaRue, who is becoming a much closer friend these days and I'm grateful for that as well. We went shopping at Nordstroms where the entire makeup and perfume section recognized her (out of drag!) and swarmed in en mass. It was utterly surreal and I didn't expect it. We had lunch at The Cheesecake Factory and it was a real "getting to know you" session, but I felt like I just talked about myself the entire time. Surprise, surprise, right? Oh well, we had fun and a lot of laughs.

LESSON #4: MAKING TIME FOR YOUR FRIENDS AND APPRECIATING THEM IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYTHING I WILL EVER DO AT A COMPUTER.

Came home and worked on the site all day Sunday up until seeing the two-hour Desperate Housewives season finale. Holy hell, what's all that about?! Five years later??? Is that really where the new season will pick up? If so, that's either going to become one of the most groundbreaking moves a television show has ever made -- or it's going to flop miserably. I have faith in them though. It's one of the only shows I watch on television.

I'm not a big TV person. I'm a big movie person. The only current shows I watch are Desperate Housewives, Samantha Who?, My Life on the D-List and Inside the Actor's Studio. I watch a lot of television on DVD though: The Mary Tyler Moore Show, The West Wing, Absolutely Fabulous, Arrested Development and Alfred Hitchcock Presents are, in my opinion, the best TV shows ever made. I can watch them over and over.

Gearing up for Chicago now, the big Grabby Awards weekend. I'll be there from Thursday through Sunday. I'm rooming with Jet Set Men exclusive, Aaron James and I have a feeling we're going to be trouble together for the weekend! You can read up on the weekend's festivities as they happen on the "News Desk" blog at: jasoncurious.com/desk.

Limited Access

I am switching service providers and will have limited Internet access until Wednesday evening so hang in there until then and I'll be back with regular updates. Hope all is well! xoxo L, J. ;-)

Everyone Has Their Basketball Diary

So I'm watching a movie tonight that I haven't seen since I was in high school called The Basketball Diaries.

Leonardo DiCaprio, Mark Wahlberg.

The true story of author Jim Caroll and how he blew his many basketball scholarships by becoming addicted to drugs while he was in high school. I didn't realize it when I was watching it as a kid, but the drugs that ruined him were heroin and oxy contin.

My mom watched this with me at least once. She could never understand why I liked it so much because I obviously wasn't into drugs and I sure didn't like basketball.

For one thing, Leo is my age and I was inspired by the amount of talent he had. It is really a difficult role to dive into and pull off, especially for someone so young, and he just had "child prodigy" written all over him in this movie. I aspired to have that kind of comittment and talent.

But for another thing, what I could relate to was the teenage angst. I don't know what it is about us when we're that age, but we're all just so damned angry. It's a hellish existence, as you grow into the brain of an adult but still have the limiting legs of a child. It's so confusing and so incredibly annoying that no one can understand what is going on in your head except the people who are going through it with you at the time. It's the closest thing to purgatory here on Earth, those years between 16 and 19. Utter limbo.

Different kids deal with that angst in different ways, regardless of how they are brought up. It has to take some kind of form and the child, growing into an adult, chooses that form for themselves.

I liked to manipulate people to see how much I could get away with and I also became obsessed with sex.

For others, I guess it's oxycontin.

"You're growing up. And rain sort of remains on the branches of a tree that will someday rule the Earth. And it's good that there's rain. It clears the month of your sorry rainbow expressions and it clears the streets of the silent armies so that we can dance. I love this mansion. Though it's too many windows to open half-way each morning. To close half-way each night." - Jim Caroll, The Basketball Diaries

Let me just say a couple things. Whether I see them ever again, whether they may find this or not, I'd like to apologize to the people who I hurt during those years and I'd aso like to forgive myself for it for the first time. Secondly, I know someone who is going through that angst right now and I'd like her to know that I'm here for her if she needs me. It hasn't been too long for me to forget what it feels like and I do understand.

A Lot Can Happen in 24 Hours

So maybe I was at Chi Chi LaRue's until 7:00 am with the cast of Big Brother. It wasn't about to keep me from an acting gig.

Rewind.

On Wednesday night, LaRue stopped by the Here Lounge event I host, Porn Star of the Week, bringing with her the cast of the television show Big Brother following their wrap party. A lot of other mainstream peeps were there throughout the night too (most notably gay celebs Lance Bass, Wilson Cruz and Marcellas Reynolds who I used to work with all the time as reporters on Q TV), but for Chi Chi it was all about Big Brother, a show she had watched religiously, making a vow that she would someday meet them all. And meet them, she did!

I, unfortunately, have never seen the show so I didn't have a clue who any of them were or what they were talking about. I was much more fascinated by Robbie Angel who showed up very unexpectedly. (Where the hell has he been?!) Less than five minutes after I met him, I said, "I like your jacket. Can I have it?" And he gave it to me. My new best friend. Immediately. We felt this instant brother or maybe brothers-kind-of-attracted-to-each-other connection and stayed by each other's sides all night long. Other pornsters there included Trevor Knight, Lex Sabre, Cort Donovan, Blake Riley, Roman Heart and of course Nick Capra who was the featured guest with the boys of his new site, NickCapra.com.

After Here closed shop, many of us bolted to LaRue's down the street where we hung out on her bed until the wee hours of morning. The drag directrix was seriously in seventh heaven, getting to ask them all the questions of what went down behind the scenes she'd been dying to ask all season long.

There are only a few who I talked to long enough to get an impression of.

Josh (seen in photo) is totally adorable and I guess was supposedly "the bitchy gay" on the show, but he didn't seem that way to me at all. He seemed, maybe, straight-forward at worst but not cunty by any means. I guess he also said something on the show about doing gay porn if he didn't win. He tells me he still hasn't ruled that out as an option and will be talking to Chi Chi about it. Especially since his boyfriend cheated on him while he was in the house. Poor thing. I felt awful for him because he seemed a little depressed. But I tell you what, if my boyfriend had cheated on me and I hadn't won a reality show, there's no better place to be than in bed partying with Chi Chi!

Sheila (also seen in photo) is out of control. Total mad woman. Crazy as hell. But in a fun-loving way, I suppose. I mean, she brought her 17 year old son along with her. Really, now. Need I say more?

Now... Crazy James. Yes, the Crazy James. The one who did online gay porn before Big Brother? The one with the mohawk and bright yellow hair that is now hot pink? The one who is "craaaaaazy" James? Yeah, guess what? Not so crazy. In fact, the most sane, sober, normal person at the party. The boy totally had his shit together. I was mad impressed. Total gentleman. Total sweetheart. Totally low key and chill compared to the rest of us that night. I could've died. Not at all what I was expecting. He was the only who I'd actually heard of, obviously. Leave it to the one who has done porn to actually be the most normal.

Chelsia stopped by later and I guess she had a thing with crazy James on the show and now they're really not sure what's happening or where it's headed. But I'll tell you what I do know: She told me privately she really cares for him a lot and still likes him. And he told me the same thing. So... now if they could just somehow tell each other. Maybe they'll read the blog. I exchanged email with James so I'll have to send this to him.

Anyway, I left Chi Chi's at 7:00 am and finally got to sleep at around 8:30 am -- only to be awakened less than 3 hours later to be told that I could have a small part (okay, really small part -- whatever bitch it's called a cameo, they paid me!) in an indie movie called Dog Tags if I could make it to the set in an hour. I ducked under a cold shower, threw on some makeup to look presentable and viola, there I was shooting a movie that already has a distribution deal through TLA.

I actually got the gig through the star of the movie, Willam Belli, who has done a lot of work as an actor but is probably most known for his multi-episode arc as Cherry Peck on the television show, Nip/Tuck. I can't say enough good things about this guy. Besides being talented, he's so fucking smart, he should really write his own material because his tongue is sharp and witty as hell -- and yet not in a mean way, which is very rare, especially in the gays! He's also incredibly sexy both as a man and a woman in a really understated way; one of those "confident" sexy people who don't even have to move because it's all in the eyes, you know the type? I could go on about him forever. I feel a kind of "brother" thing with him too actually and really hope to become great friends because it's rare I enjoy conversation that much with someone. In fact, I would ask him if he wants to hang out, but I'm afraid he's going to ask me to go to a club or something and I'm so much more of a dinner or movie or theater or board games or hang out in bed and eat junk food and watch TV kind of person. I really don't like going to clubs and bars on my time off because, let's face it, I work at them several nights a week.

Anyway, it was "a wrap on Mr. Sechrest" at exactly 6:00 pm, which meant I had 30 minutes to get to MJ's Bar to host the happy hour show, Porn Star Alley, from 6:30 - 9:00 with guest Cort Donovan. After which, I came home and crashed, sleeping for 14 hours straight.

Tonight I'm singing at The Other Side with pianist James Lent from 9:00 pm - 1:00 am.