The Not So Private (But Still Personal) Diary of Jason Sechrest Host/Publicist/Manager/Journalist/Actor/Singer/Director/Web Entrepreneur/Liza Minnelli.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Carter's Drunken Wisdom
Go-go boy Carter was drunk off his ass at my Here Lounge event, Porn Star of the Week, tonight.
Last night now, I suppose. I just got in.
After a few brief encounters throughout the evening, he decided to break it down and call me on my shit. Not in a mean way though. I doubt he even remembers saying it.
"When you're up on stage, you're so funny and you're always smiling and laughing. And then you get off stage and you just look so irritated. And why are you gettin' all shy? What? You are all rough and dominant and agressive until someone actually shows interest in you and then you get all shy?"
Pretty much, Carter. Yeah. I couldn't have put it much better.
I just got booked today to host an event for Stockroom.com this coming Friday night, November 30th, called America's Next Top Fetish Model. Gay porn superstar Jason Hawke is the new face of Stockroom and they're throwing a contest at a leather bar I've never set foot in (this ought to be interesting) called Eagle L.A. at 10:00 pm Friday to find Hawke a partner for a steamy photo shoot. I'll have full details on the "News Desk" in the next day or so (plus a full report and photo gallery after it happens), but in the meantime if you've always wanted to get up close and personal with Jason Hawke or if you're just itching for the winner's hefty gift certificate so you can buy yourself some kinky clothes for Christmas, clear your calendar for this Friday.
By the way, this means I will not be performing this Friday night at The Other Side. I know, it sucks. I was gone last week too and am missing it (not to mention my friends there) desperately, but what can I say? The 1st is coming, bills are due and they're paying me well! So no return to The Other Side until the following week.
I will, however, be performing in the showcase at Live at Eleven on Sunday night at Eleven Lounge from 8:00 pm - 12:30 am.
I hope to see all of you locals at one of these events -- or at my regular Wednesday night event, Porn Star of the Week at Here Lounge from 10:00 pm - 1:00 am with Jason Crew this week... or my regular Thursday night event, Porn Star Alley at MJ's Bar from 6:30 pm - 9:00 pm this week with Rob Romoni.
Not local? You can still catch me hosting The Jason Sechrest Show every Friday night on JasonCurious.com. Listen FREE there on JC TV or WATCH the live show and ALL show archives as a member. And yes, I will be live this week, prior to hosting America's Next Top Fetish Model at Eagle. ;-)
I just ran across this photo. Ryan Idol and me at 22. Hard to believe this was five years ago! Remember when there was a such thing as "Joey & Carlo" and their pool parties? (Thank God our industry got to keep the better half of that duo.)
Tomorrow I will be 28 years old. I will be spending most of it on a plane coming back to Los Angeles from spending the holiday with mom and family in Florida.
None of us ever expect to be the stereotypical anything. And none us probably are, at heart. But looking back on old diary entries it would sure seem I am more like everyone else than I ever intended to be. Upon my arrival in West Hollywood, I refused to have meaningless sex with anyone and only was interested in people who "respected" me, ie. wanted to date me. Soon thereafter, I found the joys of sex (thank you, Dustin!) and became, shall we say, less than withholding. In the past year or so, the Babylonian phase has come to a close and I find myself looking for something so much more substantial. And this, my friend, for most, is simply the story of growing up gaily. It's all been so predictable, I wonder why some of you readers have stuck around for so many years. That is really something, huh?
As predicted, it's been an introspective visit. So much so that I haven't blogged because I really don't know where to begin. I'm not sure I do even now.
How about here? My grandfather gave me a Peanuts birthday card with Snoopy on it that said: "It's your birthday. Take the opportunity to look within yourself, discover your heart's desire and pursue it with enthusiasm."
I took it, and a conversation I had with him, to heart. I've never been particularly "close" with him, but I figured it was time I get to know him a little better. I asked him on Thanksgiving, "What is with everyone your age saying, 'If I only knew then what I know now?' I want to know, what is it you all know now so that I can know it now! What advice do you have for me as I prepare to turn to what, god willing, is merely the 10:45 am of my life."
He, who has always been described as a very "wise" man, said the only advice he had for me was to save my money; that it's not about how much you make, but how much you save. We had a long talk about better time and money management that I really needed to hear, but I couldn't believe money was the one thing he thought was the most important in the world.
"It's not that it's the most important thing in the world, though it is very important to save," he said. "But the truth is, the things we old guys are talking about is all the stuff you're already doing. Following your dreams, being the person who you want to be, sowing your wild oats, listening to your heart -- just doing what it is you really want to do with your life. These are the things it takes most of us ages to figure out. You already knew it at 18. I'd tell you family is the most important thing but your priorities are in the right place there too." That's true. I see my mom and dad several times a year and have made it a point to become their friends no matter the difference in lifestyles. It is one of the most important things in the world to me.
He also made it a point to tell me that whoever I wanted to be and "love," that he loved me as his grandson regardless. That was really touching. We both got a little teary eyed over it.
This trip has been like taking inventory of where I've been, where I am, where I want to be headed.
I still have a lot about myself that I want to change. I am still too much seeking approval (no longer "desperately," at least) and as said before, I really need to learn to manage my time and money better immediately. I should also probably learn to love and respect my body a little bit more. I still hate what I see when I look in the mirror a lot and that's just so absurd and self-involved it makes me sick. All things I'm looking to work on in the coming year.
I will say that I feel like I've reached this gray area between the black and white living to which I'd grown so accustomed. I was the definition of extremist for most of my life until the past year. Sex, for example. I went from sex being the end all and be all of my life to it being on the bottom rung of the ladder of importance. And I'll let you in on a little secret: Typically, sex is only the least important thing to those for whom it was once far too important. You can take the word sex out of that equation and apply just about anything to it I suppose. I've had times in my life where I followed my head and times in my life where I followed my heart. These days, I find a balance between following both.
I have also stopped trying so hard to be anything other than me and that was a major leap in this past year. I allow myself to feel what I feel in the moment these days regardless of who is in the room. I have a lot of different personalities living inside of me and though it has been known to freak others out or make them feel like they'll never know the real me or which version of me they're going to get, I am very comfortable with it because I know all of them are genuine. There's the entertainer, the hermit, the hero, the addict, the storyteller, the visionary, the poet and the partner to name a few. Some people go their whole lives without tapping into these pieces of themselves that they think only belong to other people so I am grateful for my inner Rubik cube and the access to its combinations, which are never one-sided for one-color and I pray never will be.
While I would love to find someone who understands the true meaning of the word "partner," the meaning of selflessness and two people putting each other's needs before their own selfish desires, it is not something that I require to be happy. I traded co-dependency to be reborn in December 2006, as some of you will recall. In the meantime, I am blessed to have a family I can learn so much from and friends who truly have my best interest at heart and want to see me succeed, I must admit far more than I at times. God bless them. They know who they are.
There are not a lot of people who understand me fully and this is perhaps a product of knowing one's self so intimately. But oddly, I do not ever feel alone.
This is the first year I've made the majority of my living off of being an entertainer instead of a writer or publicist for the sex biz. I've made more money this year as a host, actor and singer.
My intention is to remain on that path and, as my muse Tori sang to me on Tuesday night live in concert, keep my eyes on the horizon. That was without a doubt the highlight of my trip.
Tori's set list changes every show and mine seemed frighteningly hand picked for me with an arc that told the story of my life up until now. From angry child to dissecting the anger, looking closer to crack its code and how to cut it at the root, only to find myself in a place that was merely a spot on my map but not to be what I believed my destination. To know that it is about the journey and that I must keep moving; moving on to wherever I am headed in the 28th year of my life.
Song of the Week: "Carbon" - Tori Amos, Legs & Boots: LIVE from Clearwater, Florida
I will be performing tonight (Sunday evening) with so many other incredible singers in the showcase, Live at Eleven, in West Hollywood at Eleven Lounge between the hours of 8:00 pm and 1:00 am. The evening will also double as my birthday celebration, so please come out and see me before I head out on Monday morning for a week in Florida! When you see me again, I'll be 28. An old man. ;-)
I have been remiss in updating any of my blogs as I have been trying to wrap things up before leaving town so that I'm not completely swamped with work while I'm there, though I will be working normal hours and doing updates throughout the holiday week. I always manage to book the most ridiculous amount of work for myself right before I leave town. Between a few new PR clients, my birthday concert at Eleven and reformatting the two weekly local gay porn nights at Here Lounge and MJ's, I have really run myself into a state where I run the risk of bursting into tears at any moment for the smallest reason. There just isn't enough time in the day, ya know? It's sad when you look so forward to a five hour plane ride just because no one will be able to reach you.
We've got a lot to talk about really. You have no idea.
And we'll catch up while I'm in Florida. You can bet it will be a time for reflection and introspective bloggings. It's my birthday and I'll be seeing my family for Thanksgiving -- and Tori Amos in concert if that isn't emotional enough. My mom got us tickets months ago to see her on Tuesday in Clearwater as my birthday present so I'm excited about that. Going home, either to Florida or Indiana, always seems to ground me and gives me a chance to catch my breath and remember the important things in life.
Come see me at Eleven Lounge tonight if you're in the West Hollywood area.
Here's a sneak peek at what you'll be getting from our last Live at Eleven show.
It is no secret that I have had a thing for straight guys all my life.
It dates back to high school, having had my first love and semi-relationship be a threesome between a straight guy and girl at 16 years old. It carried on into working in the adult entertainment industry, getting up close and personal with many a straight male porn star who, after banging several hundred vaginas a year, were interested in trying something different -- or going out on the town with female porn stars finding hot straight guys to approach with the proposition, "You can get with my hot porn star friend, but you've got to get with me too."
More often than not though I don't even have to seek it out. After putting it out into the universe for so long, it seems straight men often gravitate towards me. They always have I guess, looking back.
I don't find myself falling in love with them. I have developed great friendships with some straight guys who liked to experiment over the years and I do feel love for them, but not in a romantic "in love" sort of way. That only happened with the first one. I'm not quite that self-destructive.
There is a bond that I have with the many straight men in my life though that is completely unique from that I've ever felt with gay men or women. It is similar to the bond they have with their straight male friends, a sort of "bros before hoes" attitude that is born of an unspoken understanding of what it's like to be a boy that no one else can understand. No matter how straight a guy may profess to be, there is something undeniably sensual about the bonds so close as those.
Women have always had the complaint that while boys are raised to grab their crotches and spit on the ground and say lewd things and lust after girls, the female race is brought up to be proper, not speak of certain things or have lustful feelings. This is true and it is certainly most women's cross to bare as they get older and it instills a structure that eventually they have to break down.
But there is an equally destructive structure that boys are raised with that many of them, particularly straight men, never do find their way out of.
Though boys are welcome to be the lewd pranksters, they're not free to show their emotions. There is only one universally acceptable emotion for boys in every household across the world and that is Anger. Therefore, all other emotions -- hurt, sadness, fear -- those feelings that are deemed everything from "feminine" to "weak" are transposed over time into anger. Only then can those other emotions be expressed.
I mentioned this briefly in a past entry when I was visiting my hometown in Indiana: How do you tell straight men from gay men walking down the straight? The gay men are smiling. ... Funny, but true. In small towns especially across America, you don't see random straight men strolling down the street with an ear to ear smile greeting each person who passes by. They walk stoically, blank of expression, with a cautious wall surrounding them or often with their head down altogether.
When you think of a group of straight men laughing and having a good time what do you think of? You think of them drunk. Or you think of them doing something they're not supposed to be doing.
Being a gay man, I'm very open with my feelings. I wear my heart on my sleeve and my life is an open book.
I express everything I am feeling when I feel it.
I can't imagine a life where I couldn't feel that freedom.
There is a great empathy that I have for straight men and that is actually the thing that attracts me to them.
For the straight guys that find gay friends, sexual or otherwise, they finally have another man in their lives that they can come to and express certain emotions to that other friends might deem "gay" or just too heavy.
I believe there is a man and a woman inside every human being and I don't believe that we are complete individuals until we are fully comfortable embracing the whole of who we are. Straight men have had pieces of their heart castrated from them at a very early age and it's something many of them never get over.
As a gay man, I know repression. I remember it well.
Go-go boy Carter was drunk off his ass at my Here Lounge event, Porn Star of the Week, tonight. 
