From The Mouths of Babes

One of the gay porn stars I represent through my DV8 Casting management company, Jason Pitt recently gave a convo to Gay Porn Star Interviews, which you can read by CLICKING HERE.

I was at first just scanning the article when a quote jumped out at me that I had to read a few times over to actually believe it came out of this 20 year old's mouth:

"Everything has something in common. Everything is on a balance. Everything has something good and bad. So, the main part of my belief is balance."

Wow. My eyes welled up with tears when I read it. Had I known that at his age, the relationships, friendships and partnerships I've had in my life over the past decade would have all gone very differently. It's so easy to make a swift judgment and deem some thing or someone "good" or "bad." With my spiritual beliefs, I know wholeheartedly that there is good in all things so that has never been a problem for me; however, when it comes to every day life, I am very much an extremist. When I see a lot of good in someone, I start to see that person as being completely perfect. When I see a lot of bad, I find a way to write them out of my script. And I'm not sure I can even tell you which of those things is worse. By seeing only perfection in people, I set them up to fail a test they didn't even know they were taking and set myself up for consistent disappointment. By writing people out, I don't get the opportunity to experience what good they had to offer or what even their "bad" may have had to teach me.

I guess it's really true what they say. I think we're all blessed with some things that come very naturally to us while we are also given our own personal challenges to conquer in this life. I'm sure there's many things difficult for him that came very easily to me at 20.

But that one demon of mine in particular just happens to be one I've personally chosen to do battle with at the moment. It's taken me this long to be able to even figure it out, so to hear someone 10 years younger than me say it and articulate it so beautifully just made me very nostalgic with floods of old stories with different possible endings. How I could have handled things differently with so many people.

And by so many people, I mean everyone! LOL

Ah, but today is a new day! ;-)

Kabbalah on Relationships

A few years back, I opened a blog very different from any other project I've taken on called KabbalahCurious.com.

It's still up for your perusal, should you wish to take a gander. I've been a student for a total of 12 years now, and I not only study the aspects that The Kabbalah Centre teaches, but even the various branches they don't teach, including the meditative and magical elements of the Qabala sect as well. (I've got stacks of books by Israel Regardie I still haven't gotten through.)

I never stopped studying Kabbalah, but I stopped updating the blog -- namely because a series of events in my own life led me to the thought: "Who am I to tell anyone how to live theirs?" Some would argue I wasn't doing that to begin with, but only chronicling my own journey. Still, something just stopped feeling right about putting something as private as my own personal spiritual journey on display for the world to consume.

Okay, okay... I also got a little tired of people thinking I was just plain nuts. Truth be told, yes I still speak to inanimate objects. I still am guarded by the four archangels I sometimes greet at the start of my day. I still have a marching band of spirit guides, some of whom I see from time to time. I still get premonitions about the future that come to fruition. In short, I'm still a total loon. I have just learned to keep those things to myself. I don't know if that's healthy or not and I don't know that I'll keep them to myself forever. But that has been my path for the past couple of years. So there you have the story of, "What ever happened to KabbalahCurious.com?"

That said, I was listening to a seminar from the amazing new site UKabbalah.com this evening while cleaning house and it just so happens it was all about relationships. So many of the things the teacher discussed were things I desperately needed to hear. I find things stick with me more when I write them down (or type them out) and read them repeatedly so I thought I'd jot them down here, also for anyone else who might get some use out of them.

These are only a few key notes and highlights from the lecture. There were lots of others I'm going to keep to myself for the time being. But here are some I thought others might be interested in.

Kabbalah is not for everyone. But when I need it most, it gives me answers to the questions I have in my life and continues to remind me of the things most important, constantly pushing me to strive for a better version of myself.


"You can not reach the next level of your evolution as a human being on your own. You can't grow alone. It is impossible. The point of human interaction, the only reason we are broken up into separate entities, the only point of relationships of any kind is to help us to grow. You must have at least one person in your life in some capacity where you are willing to change yourself for them, someone you're willing to be completely selfless for. If you don't have a lover, a spouse or a partner, you must find a friend to do it for. Someone you have a connection with like none other who inspires you to want to be better."

"In partnerships, this should be a simple concept yet it is not. If both parties devoted themselves entirely to suiting the other person's needs, if both parties gave of themselves selflessly for just that one person, it would naturally negate all problems, wouldn't it? There would never be a problem in the relationship! So why are there problems? The problem comes the second one party says to themselves (or even worse aloud) about their spouse, 'You should change.' Watch it. Without fail, it will happen every time. That is the beginning of any problem in any relationship. 'You should change.' Those are magic words of death. See how the energy changes. The tone changes. The kids will look at you weird the second you start thinking it. I promise you. Go home and watch it happen."

"'You're the one with the problem, not me,' are words that have started every war we've ever known."

"And what about those moments where you think you've done so much for them? You've changed so much, you've tried so hard, right? And then they still say, 'You're selfish,' so you get ANGRY at them. You scream, 'After all I did, you STILL think I'm selfish?' Well, I've got news for you: If you're getting upset about it and screaming at them, then yes you're still selfish. They're right."

"Life is so much better once we take responsibility for everything. Even when things aren't our fault we can take responsibility. All the good. All the bad. Then the power is yours. You're not giving your power up to somebody by taking responsibility. You've just made yourself the most powerful person in the room. If you're responsible for everything, YOU'RE the only one who can change it. And that's good news because there's only one thing you're in control of ever and that's your self. Any idea that you will ever have any control over anything else in the world but you is a total illusion."

"It's not how much you love a person when you love them, but how much you love a person when you don't. True soul mates will always drive each other crazy. How can you grow without it?"

When Brandon Met Mother

One stop I didn't mention during my travels... After Jacksonville, I headed back to Bradenton with Brandon Baker so he could meet my mom, Jennifer, and her husband, Jimmy.

Brandon is the absolute crowned king of knowing how to handle people (when he wants *wink* (c) PartywithBrandon.com), so it was no shock to me that my parents fell head over heels for him. He seemed to adore them as well, constantly asking me if I realized how big my mom's heart is. It was refreshing seeing that part of my life through his eyes and I'm grateful for our time there together.

I just woke up from a fuzzy dream...

Christmas Ball: Post Mortem

If I'm going to travel in 2010 as much as I did last year, I'm going to need to remember while on these fun little excursions to:

A. Eat healthy. Just because I'm out of town doesn't mean I can't order a salad.
B. Hit the gym. I belong to Bally for God's sake. There's one in every city.
C. Make some time for myself while on the road for extended periods of time. Without continuous daily meditation or spiritual study of some sort, I immediately regress and become unfocused and lost.

I re-read one of my past "Diary" entries tonight: "Random Thoughts Made Not So Random." Whichever of my personalities wrote that before I left for my long holiday tour was so spot on. Without time to myself, my many personalities can run amok and take over instead of balance out to make the whole.

Memory jolt granted.

I think I'm gonna to be okay. lol... It was a little touch and go there for a few minutes.

CHRISTMAS BALL TOUR: Las Vegas

After a brief one-night stop in L.A. to get some local work done, I was off with Brandon Baker to his apartment in Las Vegas where we were to throw three parties for the Adult Entertainment Expo and Internext in conjunction with Cybersocket, Manhunt, Suite 703, Channel 1 Releasing and RentBoy.com.

I caught up with Brandon's best friend Lisa (she's a riot, I adore her!) and Jason Pitt on my first night in town. Jason took me to one of the worst diners I've ever had the displeasure of eating at, 24/7 at The Palms, but his company alone made it a worthwhile experience.

The next day, I caught up with my friends Bert Rowland and Kyle Foxxx. We went to see the new City Center in Las Vegas with new friends Felix Andrews and Ricky Cruz while B spent the day in the office. The Aria hotel is stunningly gorgeous, especially the fireworks water display out front. We had an amazing lunch followed by makeup shopping which is a combination always enough to make me orgasm.

That night, Brandon and I had a few firsts, one of which was throwing our first party together as a couple at Piranha. Benjamin Bradley and Roman Heart danced the night away and I met so many amazing people and caught up with wonderful friends like David Arias, Tristan Mathews, Syren Vaughn, Tommy Defendi and many others.

On Saturday, one of my best DV8 Casting boys Drew Cutler rolled into town along with fellow pornster Jayden Grey who gets more beautiful everytime I see him. These boys along with Pierce, DJ and "Tranz" all combined to make a fun Saturday afternoon before Bert and I went to see Bette Midler's show that night at Caesar's Palace.

I am so SO glad I had the opportunity to see Bette's show before it ends. It was flawless, from start to finish. Hands down the best show I've seen in Vegas. Her voice is better than its ever been and the spectacle of the concert is mesmerizing. Unlike other shows where the bright lights and crazy costumes are there to simply add flavor, everything included in Bette's show actually adds feeling, "Hello in There" being a prime example and a favorite moment for me. Plus my pal Bruce Vilanch's signature wit rests firmly upon most of the dialogue. He should be proud he's helped laregly to create one of the most entertaining shows Las Vegas has seen in ages. I'm not even a huge fan of Bette Midler. ...But I certainly am now!

Later that night, we caught up with Brandon and the boys again at Flex for a bit and then trotted over to Stix. Both clubs were "hole in the wall" fun with one being so "janky" it offered us bottle service just to stay another hour -- and it's idea of bottle service was plopping down a warm bottle of liquor on the table with plastic cups. And nothing else! But hey, it's free booze. I'll take it! (I actually didn't booze it up for once in Vegas, averaging only a few drinks a night. I'd like to do more of that in the new year.)

Before doing our second party at Gipsy on Sunday night, Brandon took all of us to see Frank Marino's "Divas Las Vegas" show. Aside from Bette, this was definitely the highlight of the trip. These are the best female impersonators I've ever seen and we had incredible seats thanks to Brandon. I am so impressed and will definitely be back to see Frank's show every time I'm in town! You might also want to check out FrankMarino.com. The video at the start of his home page reminds me so much of me, I could gag! It's like watching myself in a YouTube skit.

Sunday was fun and intimate. I got to meet the gorgeous Hunter Longe (he's going to be a new DV8 discovery this year, I think), hang out with Jeremy Bilding, Laura, Tommy and the crew of Suite703.com, Morgan and Holly from Cybersocket and more -- all while my DV8 Casting studs Drew Cutler and Jason Pitt danced on stage along with Jayden Grey.

But Monday night was the most packed of all, oddly enough! We're still not sure how that one worked out but we're grateful we were able to show everyone the best time of all at the upstairs VIP area of 8 1/2 inside Piranha on Monday night. I got to see Eddie Bastian, my DV8 Casting stud Chase Harding and many others that night. I also got to meet many people including Gary from On The Hunt, Stephan from Next Door Studios, Joel from DHD, Mason Wyler, Tommy D and others at the Manhunt private suite party a few hours before. And dinner that night with Laura and the Suite 703 crew at Yellowtail was an unforgettable experience -- the Pop Rocks roll is to die for, as was the hilarity and laughs of the company provided! They are the best!

Extra special thanks to David Arias for working out a great hotel room for Brandon Baker and I for a few nights. Thanks also to Justin Keith Bradshaw, a new friend of mine who looks so ridiculously like Brandon I was having brother fantasies in heat the entire time I was there. But most of all, thanks to Brandon for including me in the events. The promotion and networking I did there was way beyond what I anticipated it to be.

This was the final stop on my holiday tour and I must admit, having spent a few hours at home only to get in the car and head out again... I was a little homesick for my friends, my dog and my bed here in Los Angeles before even getting to Las Vegas. I tried my best to make it through with a smile, but as much as I love traveling I'm not sure four cities in five days towards the end of the tour was really such a fantastic idea on my part. This old body of mine is slowly beginning to feel all of 30.


I learned a lot on The Christmas Ball Tour 2009-2010.

I learned I really am one of the best talent scouts and managers out there who will go to the ends of the earth to take care of his boys and make sure they are happy, especially newcomers. I love taking people under my wing who I believe have potential and I love helping to create superstars.

I learned I complain a lot. Half the time, I'm serious. Half the time, I'm trying to be funny. To those who don't know me extremely well, it all just sounds like one long bitch fest.

I learned that Minneapolis rules, as does Kathy, Carlene, Bryan, Paul, Kevin and many others who dwell there.

I learned that no one is perfect and am reminded of my "pedestal" mentality noted here in the "Diary" a few entries before the tour began.

I learned not to second guess myself. Some things I'm not so good at. But others I'm really fucking good at and should not be afraid to speak up and take charge of some situations.

I learned that as much as I thought I was over a lot of things from my childhood, I'm still holding onto the past with my family and I still find it difficult to accept and embrace them for who they are. ...But I am working on it.

I learned that, as Brandon Baker succinctly put it, "Today is a new day."

CHRISTMAS BALL TOUR: New Year's in Jacksonville

Brandon Wilde (you may remember from the last entry, he's my latest porn star discovery for my management company DV8 Casting) joined me in tooling up to Tampa International Airport on December 30th to grab my boyfriend Brandon Baker (inappropriately!) -- and from there, we headed to meet up with Chi Chi LaRue in Jacksonville for New Year's Eve and New Year's Day at Metro.

I've visited a lot of places in 2009, my favorite cities of the year being Seattle and Minneapolis. My least favorite unfortunately was Jacksonville and I felt bad that of all the places Brandon Baker could have been for New Year's, he was stuck not only in the armpit of Florida (although, he does enjoy a good armpit!) but also in what was truly Hell's bathroom of a club, Metro. I felt even worse for Chi Chi who the club (from owners to staff!) treated so abhorrently and disrespectfully that she chose not to return the last of the three days she was working there and so they choose not to pay her a cent for all the work she did and the bullshit she put up with on New Year's Eve or New Year's Day after she even paid her own way and hotel. For Chi Chi, the experience was truly a total nightmare and not a fine send off to 2009 or entry to 2010. I just have to go on record and say I would not recommend anyone throwing any kind of event at this venue.

That said, I'd like to focus on the positive and say that there's no one I'd have rather spent New Year's with than my boyfriend Brandon Baker and my best gal pal Chi Chi LaRue, not to mention my new boy Brandon Wilde. I also got to spend it with my friend Rhiannon Owens, whom I'd never had the pleasure of seeing perform on stage until New Year's Eve. She is not only an incredible designer, artist, drag performer and host but a true beauty inside and out. She was the saving grace that took good care of us in the city of Jacksonville and for that I thank her.

Brandon Wilde was another highlight. In his first feature headlining performance, he wowed the crowd more than even Chi Chi and I expected. He is a freakin' HOT dancer! Very talented! And the hit of the holiday!

We were also graced by the presence of porn star Colton Steele, who attended the event on New Year's Day. Colton is the most adorable little man ever! I think he could easily become the next Steve Cruz.

All in all, especially looking back on the photos, if this was the worst time we had all year... we must be damned lucky.

And we are! It's a great reminder of how much we have to be thankful for in our lives going into a new decade and another year of work in this wonderful industry.