The Not So Private (But Still Personal) Diary of Jason Sechrest Host/Publicist/Manager/Journalist/Actor/Singer/Director/Web Entrepreneur/Liza Minnelli.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
No Bow
I don't mean to harp. I feel I did the memory of Caleb Carter justice in my last blog and on the "News Desk." So this entry is not meant to memorialize him in any way, but since the "Diary" is a an account of what's going on in my personal life, I must say I've found it difficult to think of much else lately.
I can't.... shake it off, if you will.
Which is strange for me and has, at moments, been infuriating. I pride myself on being able to be "one foot in front of the other" and I like to compartmentalize. I'm a control freak. I can't control when this sadness comes and goes. And that, in turn, makes me mad. I despise being unable to wrap something up with a neat little bow. It's a fault of mine, to be sure.
I understand why he did it now. Caleb was diagnosed with manic depression and was being weened off of the drug Paxil. So many of his friends have made comments to me about how Caleb had just gotten a new job, movie offers, there was a new love interest in his life, so many things to be happy about. So they are confused, naturally, as to how he could be so depressed.
The thing is, clinical depression -- REAL depression -- has nothing to do with anything that's happening in your life. Caleb could have just become a millionaire and he would have felt the exact same way. It's an illness that prevents one from being happy about anything and from feeling good about their life.
So the only "why" I have is why my friend was afflicted with manic depression while the powers that be graced me with manic... enthusiasm, I suppose.
Is it all just a game of luck?
I'm trying to hold strong to the idea that he is in a better place, that this is what he wanted, that he is happier now. I'm trying to hold strong to my spirituality and remember that we will meet again some day and continue our journey.
I am trying not to be selfish and only think of how desperately I just want my friend back.
You know, Caleb and I were almost arrested once in Vegas together?
I never wrote about that.
And won't! lol... But it's a funny story actually and those who were there remember it well.
I spent a lot of time with Caleb Carter on that Vegas trip in January 2008 and I think those will be my favorite memories of him.
I also directed him a lot in 2006 and he always said that I got the best out of him, that I could get him to do things no one else could.
We had a very special bond.
We both loved Tori Amos.
I've talked to some of the people who he was closest with and who he most admired in the industry and I swear I think he visited a few of us right after his death and whispered some things into our heads.
He would not want me or anyone else to be sad. But he would want very much to be remembered.
And I assure you kiddo, you will be.
I'm going to Chi Chi LaRue's night at Here Lounge tonight. I think I'll put his picture on my iPhone and take him with me so we can have one last fun night out together.
Go to bed, the priests are dead. Now no one can call you bad.
Go to bed, the priest are dead. Finally you're in Peppermint Land.
He's a Merman. He doesn't need your voice.
Go to bed, dream instead And you will find him.
He's a Merman ...to the knee. Doesn't need something you're not willing to give. He's a Merman. He doesn't need your voice to cross these lands of ice.
Go to bed, the priests are dead. Now no one can call you bad.
Go to bed, the priests are dead. Finally you found him.
Let it out.
Who could ever say you're not simply wonderful? Who could ever harm you?
Sleep now.
You're my little goat.
Go to bed, the priests are dead. Now no one can call you bad.
Hell week is over and I couldn't be happier, but oh wasn't it fun?
The Cybersocket Awards were on Monday night where I was relatively well behaved and in bed at an hour decent among WeHoidians (or We-Hooligans as it were) and thank God because I had my web show "Bottoms Up!" on Tuesday evening with Shane Risk (recently renamed after the utter disappointment that came with the low blow that there's already a Shane Allen) where we "happy hour'd" our way through the webcast as he banged the hell out of and came inside Blake Riley's ass -- the sex toy, that is -- all of this rolling right on into my regular weekly shinding, "INDUSTRY" at Numbers on Wednesday evening, one of our most packed nights I'm proud to say, and at long last winding up at The X Biz Awards on Thursday where I would have preferred someone mopped the floors with me but was relegated instead to a carpet that was red conducting interviews via RUDE TV for an upcoming episode of "Adult Undercover" here on JasonCurious.com.
It's a run-on sentence, but it was a run-on week.
It's funny, most people can't wait for the weekend to go out and live it up! Weekend comes and I tend to hide out at The Mans or have a quiet dinner and movie with friends.
Speaking of dinners, I've had too many. I'm starting my diet and gym program back up again on Sunday -- the one I lost 30 pounds in 6 months on a few years back! This time it's not out of vanity but more out of a desire to be (a little bit) healthy and treat myself (a little bit) better than I have been.
Ya know, I used to hate myself big and then I was incredibly disappointed to find I still hated myself thin. These days I absolutely adore myself big so let's hope that it sticks, eh?
So I was in my chamber today sitting on the toilet, reading an old copy of Yesterday's News. They have a special section called "Move On." This particular issue was all about "crazy people." If you are unfamiliar with the term, I believe it was coined by Jesus Christ on an episode of "Gimme A Break!" and used to describe someone who is so crazy, it might just not be worth it to get involved in a friendship with them. This was a lesson I learned myself last year, way too late, after I had been repeatedly bombarded with this person's "crazy." For someone who is allegedly quite crazy themselves, my life is still incredibly based in reality and I am not the kind of crazy that boils over into delusional. And if it takes one to know one, well then we see where one went wrong. However, those days are DUN. I am happier and less burdened by crazy and will not be fooled again. Since I thought this was an extremely important "life lesson" for not just me, but that everyone out there can benefit from, I am going to reprint it here.
- He's got a serious case of the YOU, YOU, YOU'S. He goes above and beyond to help you with your problems because he's too afraid to fix his own.
- He never chooses happiness and thrives on his misery.
- He puts himself in places where he doesn't fit in, only so that he can fail and perpetuate his own misery.
- He is old enough to have a child in his teens but remains a virgin, waiting for that "special moment."
- He is stuck in his past and emulates himself at 15 years old.
- He's "Single White Female." He gets involved in your line of work, becomes a part of your family of friends, etc.
- He "falls in love" with more than one person at a time.
- He accuses you of trying to steal his love interest when you never did any such thing -- and, in fact, turned down the opportunity to out of your friendship to him.
- His "love interest" tells him repeatedly he's not interested, but he remains certain that this will change.
- He would rather end your friendship than ask you for an explanation of what happened or give you the benefit of the doubt.
- He is told by doctors that his problem is not depression, but that his "problems are mental."
- He refuses to seek therapy even after he is told he has mental problems.
- He thinks he is Tinkerbell.
- He hates himself no matter how many times you try to show him what a beautiful crazy person he is.
The sad thing is... he's a nice guy. I miss him and his big bucket of crazy no matter how much of a battle our friendship may have been. I hope he finds happiness.
I had really a very nice dinner with Andy Kirra last night at one of my favorite places, The Great Greek, in Sherman Oaks after hurdling a series of obstacles from meeting at the wrong place to changing restaurants. It was reminiscent of our early days, going to dinner once a week to catch up on each other's existences and laughing our asses off at each other's tales and antics. With he and hubby Tristan Mathews leaving The Mans, the days of the "third husband" are over and I think, though I'm sure we all have our moments of missing each other, we're all a little happy about it. Andy and I were genuinely excited to see each other last night and that's something I need and had missed. You don't get that when you live with someone.
I briefly saw Tristan when I swung by their new apartment in Hollywood. The two of them have really done wonders with the place -- it is such an adorable home and their new dog is cute as can be!
I think they are going to swing by here today and check out my new digs. Brandon Bakercame by the other night and he did a whole "review" on my dwelling at The Mans here in his blog. LOL -- I adore him!
It's 7:30 am and I'm drinking honey lemon ginseng green tea, watching the sun rise over the city of West Hollywood from my office desk in my living room. The view from here in my new place at The Mans is just gorgeous. Now that Michelle, Andy and Tristan moved out, bigger rooms became available so I moved from the tiny bedroom downstairs to this massive master bedroom upstairs that resembles more of a penthouse apartment than an actual bedroom. It's two rooms actually -- a living room and a back bedroom, plus a big bathroom and dressing room! Having more space is fantastic (Sadie certainly approves), but I think it's the view from here that I love most of all. I can see skyscrapers and the tops of all these trees in the morning right outside my window with birds flying around chirping. I can see the famous clubs just below us on Sunset Blvd. and a massive building-side HBO poster. (They were changing it over the past couple days from "Big Love" to "Taking Chance." I wanted to start singing "Taking A Chance On Love.") At night it's even better. Just a bunch of city lights -- the neon glow from Sunset, the lights on in the rooms of the big buildings all over the city and occasionally those big spotlights that go up in the air, the ones you see at movie premieres and on red carpets. After 10 years, the tinsel still hasn't lost it's luster for me. I love living in Hollywood.
Being in what we have dubbed "The West Wing" has given me a greater overall appreciation of The Mans as well. I notice things about it that I didn't before. For one thing, it's very old Hollywood, I'm guessing built around the time they were transitioning from silent movies to talkies. All of these houses used to belong to people who worked in film because back then those were the only people who lived in this town at all! There's areas that were probably once maid's quarters and cook's quarters (where I was living! lol) and big dressing rooms and closets as big as the living rooms with racks and shelves made for everything from clothes to wigs. The place has got a lot of style and I didn't really get the "old Hollywood" feel of it until living in the main house, walking up the spiral staircase to my room/deluxe-apartment-in-the-sky every day.
An apartment inside a big house is also very "Mary Tyler Moore Show." Which I love. ;-)
I've become better friends with the landlord, Dan. My new roomies are pretty kick ass too. Nick took what used to be my room (before that it was Andy's room) and is a gorgeous straight muscle boy (the porn girls are gonna eat him up! -- well, the guys too!) who works in A&R for a big music label. Gay porn newcomer and Chi Chi LaRue discovery Shane Allyn (name subject to change, as he has discovered it's already been taken) has taken over the room that Andy and Tristan moved out of. (They just celebrated their six month anniversary by the way, so a shout out of congrats to them!) I'm really glad Shane is here. Between the two of us, the feeling of a "porn house" -- keeping it all in the family, so to speak -- remains in tact.
Speaking of which, JasonCurious.com's home page has had a major face lift, finally giving you a place where all of my events are updated regularly and it makes the site much more easily navigable as well. We have also made the live video feed for my weekly web show "Bottoms Up!" available to watch for free, so now you can tune in and watch nekkid porn stars being interviewed live without even being a member! Woo hoo! Members get all of the show archives to enjoy whenever they want as well as the live sex show archives from "JC TV Live" which we're intending to bring back sometime in March. The design is a return to giving it that "live vicariously through me and my porn star friends" vibe that we launched with back in 2001. Along with that, we've already returned to the daily "News Desk" blog updates of those days (though with the move, I missed a couple days) and I'm going to try to jot at least a little something here in my "Diary" blog each day too, even if it's not a full on essay and just a brief chronicle of my day.
It's 8:00 am now and I'm baking salmon so I can make salmon and blue cheese omelettes for breakfast. Yummy! The maid is coming later to take out the windows to my view and wash them so it looks even better! I'm hoping to have more unpacked and have this place semi-put-together by 5:30 when Brandon Baker comes over tonight.
I don't mean to harp. I feel I did the memory of Caleb Carter justice in my last blog and on the "News Desk." So this entry is not meant to memorialize him in any way, but since the "Diary" is a an account of what's going on in my personal life, I must say I've found it difficult to think of much else lately.
