Tomorrow I Turn 28

I just ran across this photo. Ryan Idol and me at 22. Hard to believe this was five years ago! Remember when there was a such thing as "Joey & Carlo" and their pool parties? (Thank God our industry got to keep the better half of that duo.)

Tomorrow I will be 28 years old. I will be spending most of it on a plane coming back to Los Angeles from spending the holiday with mom and family in Florida.

None of us ever expect to be the stereotypical anything. And none us probably are, at heart. But looking back on old diary entries it would sure seem I am more like everyone else than I ever intended to be. Upon my arrival in West Hollywood, I refused to have meaningless sex with anyone and only was interested in people who "respected" me, ie. wanted to date me. Soon thereafter, I found the joys of sex (thank you, Dustin!) and became, shall we say, less than withholding. In the past year or so, the Babylonian phase has come to a close and I find myself looking for something so much more substantial. And this, my friend, for most, is simply the story of growing up gaily. It's all been so predictable, I wonder why some of you readers have stuck around for so many years. That is really something, huh?

As predicted, it's been an introspective visit. So much so that I haven't blogged because I really don't know where to begin. I'm not sure I do even now.

How about here? My grandfather gave me a Peanuts birthday card with Snoopy on it that said: "It's your birthday. Take the opportunity to look within yourself, discover your heart's desire and pursue it with enthusiasm."

I took it, and a conversation I had with him, to heart. I've never been particularly "close" with him, but I figured it was time I get to know him a little better. I asked him on Thanksgiving, "What is with everyone your age saying, 'If I only knew then what I know now?' I want to know, what is it you all know now so that I can know it now! What advice do you have for me as I prepare to turn to what, god willing, is merely the 10:45 am of my life."

He, who has always been described as a very "wise" man, said the only advice he had for me was to save my money; that it's not about how much you make, but how much you save. We had a long talk about better time and money management that I really needed to hear, but I couldn't believe money was the one thing he thought was the most important in the world.

"It's not that it's the most important thing in the world, though it is very important to save," he said. "But the truth is, the things we old guys are talking about is all the stuff you're already doing. Following your dreams, being the person who you want to be, sowing your wild oats, listening to your heart -- just doing what it is you really want to do with your life. These are the things it takes most of us ages to figure out. You already knew it at 18. I'd tell you family is the most important thing but your priorities are in the right place there too." That's true. I see my mom and dad several times a year and have made it a point to become their friends no matter the difference in lifestyles. It is one of the most important things in the world to me.

He also made it a point to tell me that whoever I wanted to be and "love," that he loved me as his grandson regardless. That was really touching. We both got a little teary eyed over it.

This trip has been like taking inventory of where I've been, where I am, where I want to be headed.

I still have a lot about myself that I want to change. I am still too much seeking approval (no longer "desperately," at least) and as said before, I really need to learn to manage my time and money better immediately. I should also probably learn to love and respect my body a little bit more. I still hate what I see when I look in the mirror a lot and that's just so absurd and self-involved it makes me sick. All things I'm looking to work on in the coming year.

I will say that I feel like I've reached this gray area between the black and white living to which I'd grown so accustomed. I was the definition of extremist for most of my life until the past year. Sex, for example. I went from sex being the end all and be all of my life to it being on the bottom rung of the ladder of importance. And I'll let you in on a little secret: Typically, sex is only the least important thing to those for whom it was once far too important. You can take the word sex out of that equation and apply just about anything to it I suppose. I've had times in my life where I followed my head and times in my life where I followed my heart. These days, I find a balance between following both.

I have also stopped trying so hard to be anything other than me and that was a major leap in this past year. I allow myself to feel what I feel in the moment these days regardless of who is in the room. I have a lot of different personalities living inside of me and though it has been known to freak others out or make them feel like they'll never know the real me or which version of me they're going to get, I am very comfortable with it because I know all of them are genuine. There's the entertainer, the hermit, the hero, the addict, the storyteller, the visionary, the poet and the partner to name a few. Some people go their whole lives without tapping into these pieces of themselves that they think only belong to other people so I am grateful for my inner Rubik cube and the access to its combinations, which are never one-sided for one-color and I pray never will be.

While I would love to find someone who understands the true meaning of the word "partner," the meaning of selflessness and two people putting each other's needs before their own selfish desires, it is not something that I require to be happy. I traded co-dependency to be reborn in December 2006, as some of you will recall. In the meantime, I am blessed to have a family I can learn so much from and friends who truly have my best interest at heart and want to see me succeed, I must admit far more than I at times. God bless them. They know who they are.

There are not a lot of people who understand me fully and this is perhaps a product of knowing one's self so intimately. But oddly, I do not ever feel alone.

This is the first year I've made the majority of my living off of being an entertainer instead of a writer or publicist for the sex biz. I've made more money this year as a host, actor and singer.

My intention is to remain on that path and, as my muse Tori sang to me on Tuesday night live in concert, keep my eyes on the horizon. That was without a doubt the highlight of my trip.

Tori's set list changes every show and mine seemed frighteningly hand picked for me with an arc that told the story of my life up until now. From angry child to dissecting the anger, looking closer to crack its code and how to cut it at the root, only to find myself in a place that was merely a spot on my map but not to be what I believed my destination. To know that it is about the journey and that I must keep moving; moving on to wherever I am headed in the 28th year of my life.


Song of the Week: "Carbon" - Tori Amos, Legs & Boots: LIVE from Clearwater, Florida

"Just keep your eyes on... horizon."

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