Until she herself became the toxic garden...
I have this overwhelming sense of guilt since posting what I did about my last relationship last week. It took me forever to figure out why I should feel so awful for doing what I always do: Calling it like I see it, stating what has happened and using this "diary" and you, dear Curious Reader, as my therapist. As I mentioned in that entry, getting over "the damage done" in that relationship is going to be a process that I'll be living out here, as usual. At first, I thought you might be tired of hearing about it, but I seem to get more comments and emails when I do battle with my own personal demons than I do when talking about going out to the latest social event. And for that, I'm really grateful.
So for our weekly "session," I suppose I should reveal that I have come to understand the guilt that I felt over that entry titled, "The Damage Done." As much as I may have sworn that I was not finger pointing or placing blame, I think I probably was what with the laundry list of hurtful things I felt my ex had inflicted upon me. But this week I have really looked back on so many of my past relationships and friendships only to find that it's not just him and that he probably wasn't even the worst of the bunch. Almost all of my relationships and friendships have been in some way or another abusive, dating back to my best friend in early high school years. And if it's all of these people, I don't have enough fingers to be pointing at them.
So it's not him. And it's not them. It's me.
It doesn't make the way they operate any more okay or less hurtful even, but it does mean that I am a magnet for these kind of personalities. It's the only kind of relationship I saw growing up and it's the way in which affection from my main male parental figure, my step-father, was shown to me. It's what I've been conditioned to.
Fortunately, the upside of that is that it also means it's not who I am. I didn't come out of the womb this way, ya know? So now it's just a matter of changing.
I find I'm catching myself a lot more these days. I am much more careful about the people I let into my life. I ask myself, "Is this someone you want to be close to? Is this someone who can put something before themselves? Someone who can be selfless or someone who is just indulgent?" Even when it comes to work, I found just this past week two instances where I was asking to be involved in something only because they didn't want me involved! It wasn't going to do anything for my career! But because they didn't want me, I wanted them more. (Which I suppose explains the lust for straight guys too, huh? I told you there would be an entry about that!)
I am attracted to what cuts me down, what makes me feel less than, what withholds affection, what is emotionally and/or physically unavailable... just like good old step-daddy.
My ex-boyfriend and my ex-best-friend of seven years, Mikey, is not a bad guy. He just, like me, had a lot of bad habits. I remain in grief and mourning for the loss of that relationship and am disappointed that I had to sever the closest bond I've had to anyone outside of my birth parents in order for me to grow and for my life to change for the better.
He is my childhood. He is everything I grew to hate about myself. He is everything I miss from living that indulgent lifestyle. And he is, of course, none of those things, but his own person.
The song of the week is Fleetwood Mac's "Running Through the Garden," as princess Stevie finally realizes with age that it is she herself that is as destructive as the flowers, too many to cut down, in her garden.
posted by Jason Sechrest at 1:33 PM
8 Comments:
Jason, do you sometime ask yourself this question, "why bother?" I mean, if they don't want you to be involved, but you put yourself into it, are you going to be happy during the process? Or you're just emotionless like a robot just to do something that you think you need to do it?
There are just so many things out there that needs you and you'll be happy to do it, not because the fact you wanted them more.
You know, and I know, when truth/reality surfaces above the table, it stirs pain. It hurts.
Jimmy - Yes, that's my point. I finally started asking myself that question. lol xo L, J.
thanks again for your thoughts. i'm not sure how it works but you always seem to shed some light on whatever situation i'm working through at the time just by sharing what your working through. we are all one. it's amazing. love, namaste, peace, chuck
This "why bother" question is another result of my developement in the last 6 years
Wow babe. Seems like the more of your blogs I read; the more there is for us to talk about.
I used to tell myself that it's the abuse that makes us feel needed. If someone is close enough to you and trusts you enough to take out their neuroses, that means they love you, right?
Not true.
Chuck - Awww, thank you so much! Good to know sorting through my own bullshit helps other people to sort through theirs. ;-) xo L, J.
Anthony - Or worse yet... that they only reason people scream at each other is because they must love you SO much! lol ??!? xo L, J.
if you scream/yell at someone during argument, it pretty much means you really care/love about them
Jimmy - No, actually... if you really care about and love someone, you DON'T yell at them at all. You put their feelings before your's. You check your shit at the door and make sure that their comfort comes before your own selfish, outlandish outbursts. Screaming certainly does equal passion, but it's passion for your own emotions and what you have to say -- not passion for theirs. It's easy to get that confused though. I had it confused for yeeeears until just a month ago, honey. lol That's what this post and "The Damage Done" was all about. ;-) xo L, J.
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