Here I Am
Constant Reader, DeWayne in SD, had this to say after my last blog entry and I thought it was so poignant, it was worth posting. Of course, my response was worth posting too! lol... Anyway, it's just a great definition for where I'm at in my life right now and I wanted to put it here in the "Diary" so I'll always remember it.
DeWayne sez: "I don't want to be a boy anymore. I want to be a man." Amazing Jason I think at 27 you are at just about where I was at age 34! Gay men mature at different ages (and yeah some of us never grow up) I think you have had the "epiphany" we all get at some point after f**king one to many guy's, too many mornings where you cant remember how you got home & who the hell is that guy in my bed! Yeah at some point we have to grow up but you know what Jason I don't apologize for my "crazy" years! I do regret anyone I may have hurt but I loved the sex,the drugs,the booze everything. It’s just after awhile I liked it less & less each year till at one point I told myself "look if you keep this up your going to kill yourself from naked hedonism!" So does this mean I’m on a straight & narrow path? Hell no it means 3 or 4 time s a year I have a real crazy relapse ,I make a long weekend of it, I prove to myself I can still party & f**k like the younger guy's, I have a hell of a time and then I get it out of my system. Jason this was the year I really started to pay attention to you and this was somewhat of a hellish year for you. But you got thru it, you sound like you know what went wrong, what you intend to change. I think the "Smart" Jason has just spoken up and told "Party" Jason Hey I have an interest here, I can get hurt, we need some self control. I think 2007 will be a "good" year for you Jason and I wish you All The Best this year! Dewayne
Jason sez: I may actually do an entirely separate blog just about your response because you hit the nail on the head, really. I couldn't have explained it better. Only difference is, it's not really that I'm worried about hurting MYSELF, as much as I am worried about hurting the people around me. I believe there is someone out there for me and what if I got something that then I could pass onto that person or that they would just have to deal with? Or how about family? Putting them through the hell of watching me be sick? I just think it's selfish and I don't know why I didn't see that before. And it's not that I'm not into living for the moment anymore, it's just that the "moment" is not all there is and to live in it is NOT to indulge in it, those are two very different things. I just don't want to lead such a selfish and self-indulgent existence any longer. I've felt this change coming for a while and needed to eradicate certain selfish and self-indulgent individuals who were adding fuel to that fire. For some reason, until now I just didn't see how it might affect people in my future. Because I HAVE a future. And to deny that I do and live ONLY for the moment, I may as well kill myself when the moment is up because spiritually, that's what I'm doing. I'm killing off the energy/potential of my future by acting as though it doesn't or might not exist. And no, I would never, ever regret those years nor would I tell anyone they shouldn't go through them. It's all part of the journey. And I have no intention of sainthood by any means. lol... I will have my wild nights! My perspective and priorities have just changed. Anyway, you really hit the nail on the head, hon. Took the words right out of my fucking mouth. xo L, J.
DeWayne sez: "I don't want to be a boy anymore. I want to be a man." Amazing Jason I think at 27 you are at just about where I was at age 34! Gay men mature at different ages (and yeah some of us never grow up) I think you have had the "epiphany" we all get at some point after f**king one to many guy's, too many mornings where you cant remember how you got home & who the hell is that guy in my bed! Yeah at some point we have to grow up but you know what Jason I don't apologize for my "crazy" years! I do regret anyone I may have hurt but I loved the sex,the drugs,the booze everything. It’s just after awhile I liked it less & less each year till at one point I told myself "look if you keep this up your going to kill yourself from naked hedonism!" So does this mean I’m on a straight & narrow path? Hell no it means 3 or 4 time s a year I have a real crazy relapse ,I make a long weekend of it, I prove to myself I can still party & f**k like the younger guy's, I have a hell of a time and then I get it out of my system. Jason this was the year I really started to pay attention to you and this was somewhat of a hellish year for you. But you got thru it, you sound like you know what went wrong, what you intend to change. I think the "Smart" Jason has just spoken up and told "Party" Jason Hey I have an interest here, I can get hurt, we need some self control. I think 2007 will be a "good" year for you Jason and I wish you All The Best this year! Dewayne
Jason sez: I may actually do an entirely separate blog just about your response because you hit the nail on the head, really. I couldn't have explained it better. Only difference is, it's not really that I'm worried about hurting MYSELF, as much as I am worried about hurting the people around me. I believe there is someone out there for me and what if I got something that then I could pass onto that person or that they would just have to deal with? Or how about family? Putting them through the hell of watching me be sick? I just think it's selfish and I don't know why I didn't see that before. And it's not that I'm not into living for the moment anymore, it's just that the "moment" is not all there is and to live in it is NOT to indulge in it, those are two very different things. I just don't want to lead such a selfish and self-indulgent existence any longer. I've felt this change coming for a while and needed to eradicate certain selfish and self-indulgent individuals who were adding fuel to that fire. For some reason, until now I just didn't see how it might affect people in my future. Because I HAVE a future. And to deny that I do and live ONLY for the moment, I may as well kill myself when the moment is up because spiritually, that's what I'm doing. I'm killing off the energy/potential of my future by acting as though it doesn't or might not exist. And no, I would never, ever regret those years nor would I tell anyone they shouldn't go through them. It's all part of the journey. And I have no intention of sainthood by any means. lol... I will have my wild nights! My perspective and priorities have just changed. Anyway, you really hit the nail on the head, hon. Took the words right out of my fucking mouth. xo L, J.
posted by Jason Sechrest at 8:24 AM
7 Comments:
...that's a hot photo. (...and not just 'cause it has PartyWithBrandon on it.)
"Here I Am" is such a perfect title for that photo.
The only think I can add is, "Honey, there ain't no napkin that can hold you back. None. Nota. Zip. Zilch. Zero."
I would not trade you even for a new Lexus.
At age 22, I'm in the awkward position of paying attention not to hurt myself and the people around me....oh well, that's how life goes when you're at the phase of not really a boy anymore but also not yet a man.
Remember the song from who recently divorced, showing vagina paparazzi and fainted on 31DEC party girl?
Jason my BF and I were talking about this and I mentioned I have been fascinated with your career because I remember your father on a concert tour at my Church and I have read about your "Evangilical” background. The different ways in which we have dealt with "the Church" as Adults. I was telling Albert I hope Jason sees the light just not too much I don't want to turn on my TV one day and see Jason Sechrest, TV Evangelist! ;) Just kidding but hey Jason if you do ever make that career leap into the pulpit, you know how TV Preachers always have god awful hair and k'mart suits, Please keep your hair like in the above pic,,,I could handle that LOL. Seriously though have you heard of Jay Bakker? Yes Tammy Fayes little boy 31 now and running a Church called Revolution. He is a Punk Preacher(heavily tatted) preaching to the people mainstream Churches shun,, and surprise he is Gay Friendly,,I was shocked. Your response above really makes sense because I have always felt deep down you are a very empathic person,you have to be in your field. And Jason in 2007 I would love to see you do a talk show for one of the Gay Nets you would be a natural. The X Show would be great on Here or Logo TV! Who needs an Act in a Bar you have the "chops' for T.V. everyone who has seen you in Action KNOWS that! DeWayne
Jimmy - Are you just trying to find the woman in you? lol xo L, J.
Brandon - I wouldn't trade you either, you crazy bitch. You are such a huge piece of my heart these days. I appreciate you, I adore you, I love you. xo L, J.
DeWayne - WAIT! You've SEEN my father in concert??! Isn't he AMAZING? I think his music is brilliant. I've been thinking about setting him up with a MySpace Music account actually but I'm afraid he'll come read my blog. lol And I totally feel your fear about the evangelical thing. I don't think I could ever really buy into the hypocrisy and the messiah theory of it all, but if I had stayed in Columbus all of my and not experienced the world outside of that bubble, I very well may have been right up there on stage with daddy-o. Send me a pic of the tatt boy. Sounds HOT! xo L, J.
We do think you have a LOT of potential. One of the things we talked about was your radio interview with young master Lockhart. I recorded that old school style. Microcassette recorder next to computer speaker. You are sharp, fast and funny. It's fun to listen to occasionaly. You do have the look for television. All that stupidity this summer was very disappointing but I think it actually elevated you in a lot of peoples minds because you handled it perfectly. Your reputation for brilliance just got a lot of advertisement although I'm sure it was painful at the time. You have our admiration for sure.
Love from Texas, Albert
Me finding a girl? I'd rather go to hell
Live is still a long road ahead. I'm pretty sure by the time when you reach 30 or 35, you probably will have a second thought.
Jimmy - I think I heard Britney is going to rehab! At least we're not THAT bad off. lol xo L, J.
Albert - Wow. Thank you sooo much for the kind words. I was just talking with some friends about this the other day actually, regarding my looking to more mainstream venues, television, etc. I am starting wonder if maybe this "outlet" I'm in is not made for all that I have to offer, if that makes any sense. I just don't think this audience really cares, you know? It's like going to an Adam Sandler comedy and getting a foreign film. You might very well enjoy both, but that's not what you came to see. And I'm rarely going to be what they came to see in this world. I need to spread my wings. Branch out. xo L, J.
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