Surprise!

So I had a couple hours to kill before heading to the airport for New York last weekend and saw this ad on one of my favorite Madonna news sites, Madonnalicious.com. They were desperately seeking fans of Madonna's to do audio commentary for one of her biggest flops ever, Shanghai Surprise. Why were they looking for a fan to do the commentary? Probably because the movie is so horrendous, no one involved in it wanted to take part in this special edition DVD release. So I thought, "Oh hell, why not? I can write 100 words or less."

So in about 10 minutes flat, I jotted off how Madonna has influenced my life in every way imaginable; how I never would have come out so young if it weren't for constantly listening to her saying to be true to yourself and fuck what anyone else thinks, never would have had the balls to live on the streets of L.A. at 18, never would've done a lot of things if it weren't for her cosntantly being this inspirational source of ambition that has fueled me since I was four years old singing "Crazy for You" on the swings. She is like a second mother to me, really.

I honestly was just trying to kill time and didn't think anything would come of it, but when I landed in New York, I checked my email and sure enough they loved my "essay" and asked me if I would be available to be in Los Angeles on Tuesday to record the audio commentary along with a few of her other #1 fans. Why not? Sounds like fun and a good tribute to our lady M.

There was only one problem. I had never seen Shanghai Surprise. It was one of only four movies of Madonna's I had not yet seen, along with Blue in the Face, Shadows & Fog and Bloodhounds of Broadway. But I had read enough mountains of biographies and archived interviews on Madonna to know a lot about the movie!

Shanghai Surprise was only Madonna's second feature film (not counting A Certain Sacrifice), released in 1986, starring Madonna and her then-husband, Sean Penn. It was shortly after the two wed that they set out to make the film despite tabloid rumors of a tumultuous marriage and an awful script. Penn confessed years later that he doesn't remember making the movie because he was consistently drunk and says it is the only movie he has ever taken solely for the paycheck because the two of them were offered such a ridiculous amount of money to appear on camera together. The movie was produced by ex-Beatle, George Harrison, and it was the last movie he would ever produce for his short-lived company. Madonna has even noted it as being the one movie even she feels is truly awful on all counts. It was the wrong script with the wrong direcor and the wrong stars at the wrong time, trying to be some cross between Indiana Jones and Romancing the Stone. Naturally, I wasn't jumping to see the movie anytime soon, right?

But I didn't want to pass up such a great opportunity to pay homage to this woman who has inspired and influenced me so heavily, so the second I returned to Los Angeles, I picked up a copy of the movie and ran home to watch it.

You know how some movies were just released at the wrong time and improve with age? Yeah, well this is not one of those movies. It looks dated and worse than it's ever been probably. I don't even know if it can qualify as a funny B-movie or cult classic because there's nothing funny about it. It's just boring and inconsistent. However, I don't think it's Madonna's fault by any means. She's no great actress in it by any stretch of the imagination, but at least she is riveting to watch (most of us back in 1986 would have watched her eat soup for two hours she was so riveting!) and without her, I don't think anyone would have even sat through the entire thing.

So I decide this could be really funny and to my advantage. All of the others, being Madonna's #1 fans, are probably going to be kissing ass to the movie and her performance the whole time, right? I can waltz in there and be the comic relief and be blatantly honest about how much the movie really sucks!

Well, that was not to be the case at all. As it turns out, with the exception of one dude who really genuinely loved the film, they were more vicious than I would have ever dared to be. And not to the movie -- but to Madonna specifically! Every time she came on the screen, she didn't even have to open her mouth, they would just blurt out something nasty and rude about her! And these were supposed to be her biggest fans, right?!

As much as I would have loved to have thrown my own hilarious jabs into the pot, my protective instincts took over and I found myself defending her throughout the entire ordeal. Which was not funny at all and totally lame! But someone had to be on her side! I was not about to sit there and let a bunch of fags get catty and gang up on who I consider to be like a second mother to me! And we all know if she had been in the room, they would all be bowing down to her.

There was one guy in particular who, although he was a wealth of information and knowledge about the movie, was also an utter asshole. He wouldn't let anyone get a word in edgewise and wouldn't hear of anyone having an opinion other than his on the movie. And if you voiced an opinion that was different, he had to literally have the last word like some petulant child, saying, "Nope. Bad." at the end of every discussion. I think we all wanted to wring is neck.

Anyway, so much for my great shout out to Mo.

The Shanghai Surprise: Special Edition DVD, featuring audio commentary by Jason Sechrest, is due out in the spring of 2007. LOL... The things I get roped into doing. Yet another D-List gig for my IMDB profile. In the meantime, here are some clips from the movie in George Harrison's music video from the movie's title track.