In Diana

I finally fixed my iTunes issues -- on my own, thank you very much! (at last, independence! lol) -- and am putting together this great new Tori Amos playlist for my plane ride in a few hours.

You know... something to think about. When it comes to female singers, my mother and I are both very attracted to witches. Stevie Nicks was admittedly heavily into witchcraft for years and Tori is a devout Wiccan (same thing). I think it's definitely part of my attraction to them, the duality that they embrace in light and darkness. The ultimate Goddess figure, the "woman in the moon," and she who emobdies all feminine energy, emotions, intuition, etc. is Diana. And I just realized I'm about to be...

In Diana.

My last trip to Columbus, Indiana was as spiritually enlightening as my trip overseas, really. There's something about that ground back there where you sprang from. It has very little to do with my father or the Sechrests, but more to do with the soil, the land, the history of that land.

On my last trip, I did a lot of research of the land itself. Columbus used to be called Tipton, named after the man who originally founded the city. But Tipton was a meiser, a greedy fuck and wanted the town to basically be a shrine to him, everything named after him, his own legacy. And the townspeople drove him out, forcing him to sell the land. It was renamed Columbus and Tipton was pissed. And he was in charge of the freeways, biways, highways, etc. so until he died he made sure there was no way to get to Columbus from those main roads, making it this hard to find, hard to thrive town. ... This story, when I researched it, really hit home for me because if you look at Tipton and Columbus as a father-son relationship, I could definitely relate. Tipton wanted to make his "baby" into what he wanted it to be. He had his own ideas for putting his imprint on that land. But the land is stronger than one person. It was there before him and is there after him. He can't make it into anything it doesn't want to be. It has to be its own legacy, like everyone's child has to be.

I'm going a little crazy and getting a little spiritual here at midnight. Forgive me.

Anyway, just saying... there is something about that ground that brings me back home. Back inside of myself. Back to coming out of the womb. Back to the old drawing board.

Now on the downside of things, I have a feeling that this will not be some warm, fun-loving family Christmas, but I don't really expect it to be. It's Christmas with DAD, not Christmas with MOM. If I wanted warm, family time that's where I'd be. But I'm trying to repair this relationship and he all but begged me to come home for Christmas while tears streamed down his face. So... here I am.

Constant readers will remember the last time I was home with my father for Christmas was when the big "gay talk" went down. Or lack of talk, actually. The no talk. No spoken words. Just totaly neglect and invisibility to go with that cup of nog.

Anyway, the downside of things. As I was saying. It turns out dad has finally at long last after talking about it maybe happening for years, finally taken a job as the head of music ministry at his church. This means he has to perform at the morning and evening services on Christmas Eve. The good news is that I would travel to the ends of the earth to see my father perform his music, even the music from his new Worship album. The bad news is that I have to hear about The Great I Am and have messiah theories crammed down my throat after he plays. I think I'd rather use a condom. Oh well. I'm being a big baby, just wishing that for once the holiday could be about what I want to do again like it was when I was a kid. But those days are long gone. And I'm sure I can find something positive in the church's message to hold onto underneath all of the gunk. We are aiming for the same target at the end of the day, really.

The other downside is that I don't think Grandma is cooking this year. She is distraught over my Grandfather's Christmas-time death still and wants to bypass the entire holiday by helping out at a local homeless shelter. And therefore, very little family will be in town. I don't think my beloved Cousin is coming even, though I may be able to talk him into coming to hang out in my hotel room after the holidays. I am in town for an entire week, after all.

SO! The itinerary for Christmas Eve is church service in the morning, home to bake Christmas cookies with my little half-brother in the afternoon, dinner at my stepmother's family's house, then back to church for a late night service and finally home to wrap presents and crash. I have been promised Christmas Day is completely free and we will be making a huge turkey dinner for just us that day/evening. So hey, you give a little, take a little.

I am definitely spending Christmas with my mother next year.

NOT saying I'm not still looking forward to this trip. Just saying, I also don't have any delusions that it will be all about me. And that's the great joy of coming home to mom. lol... That it is always ALL ABOUT ME. lol

Mess.

Get me out of this city. I've got so much work to do. So much life to plan for in the new year. And I need to get away from the noise here to really do it justice.

Take me in, Diana. I'm coming back home, back to the zero point.