Looking Back, Looking Forward

It's 2:00 am as I write this and I'm exhausted so forgive me any typos. I tried writing this entry a few times today and just couldn't seem to get my thoughts together. Maybe in a sleep deprived haze, things will seem ironically more clear.

I met up with my ex-boyfriend, Jason G. on Wednesday night. Very unexpectedly, he was in town and even more unexpectedly in the neighborhood and ridiculous-unexpectedly, neither of us were busy! So he suggested a late night snack, I suggested hitting up a dance floor... eventually we settled for dispensing with the prelude and getting right to the kiss.

And what a kiss it was! For those of you who know my history with Jason, I dated him from 2001-2002, during a time when I was far more prudish and "saving myself." (Can you believe there was a day for that?!) We never had sex. Never. Not even when he came back to town to visit. It just never seemed to be the right time, always seemed too "planned" maybe.

But after a six year wait, I'm happy to tell all of you who have been reading the site since it launched in 2001, it has finally happened! Jason and Jason finally did the deed. It was nice! He's got a whole lotta back these days, this perfectly muscled football player back end. His original appeal always was that he was my "college jock" I suppose. So, we had fun.

More than that though, we just laid and talked about our past. He has had a lot of theories on why we didn't work out in the past six years, none of them I ever agreed with. But last night he finally hit the nail on the head when he said, "You were never going to let me win. And I was never going to try."

It was then I remembered he is a Capricorn.

And it was then that I started to fear that six years later, I might be in the exact same relationship with someone else.

The next morning, as fate would have it I talked to Jason G.'s successor in the boyfriend department, Scott. We had a good talk about our past too and the meaning of it all. He was probably the most selfless person I ever dated but it scared me at 21 and I wasn't ready for it. What it did do, however, was teach me the kind of boyfriend I not only wanted to have, but moreover wanted to be. And when the time came and I was with the right person, I became that more selfless individual.

I suddenly felt trapped in a time warp wondering how I got here, reading past diary entries and wondering where my optimism went, my refusal to settle for anything less than what I am worth in both my love life and my career.

It's been a rough week with Mikey. We've had it out about me feeling neglected, being taken for granted, that sort of thing. But we didn't really talk about it in a civil manner until this morning. As I evaluated all of this in my head, I knew the only thing to do was communicate to him how I felt.

I told him that I didn't expect perfection by any means, but that I do wish for better, that I wish he'd put as much effort into the relationship as I. And that's not to say he doesn't put effort into it at all. I mean, I can't really complain too much. We don't fight or break up every other week like we used to. And that is much in part to him and his effort. But I still feel like I'm constantly putting his needs and desires before my own and I'm not getting the relationship equilibrium of receiving that treatment in return or at the very least a sign of appreciation for it.

When I ask myself on a daily basis if I'm giving everything I can to the relationship and trying my absolute best to be selfless with him, the answer always comes back a resounding yes. So I told him I needed to know in total honesty what his answer is when he asks that of himself. Because if the answer is yes then I'm a total loss. But if the answer is no and he wants it to be yes, then there's hope and we've got work to do.

I was bowled over when he admitted flat out that he doesn't try as hard as he could. And when I told him I needed to feel more appreciated, more like his boyfriend, more of a priority... I asked him if he felt I was asking too much. He said no and that I was right and that he needed and wanted to try harder.

Wow. Crying. Tears of utter joy. I can't even tell you.

For a minute, I really thought it was 2001.