My Last Diary Entry of the Year

In "A Christmas Carol," Ebeneezer Scrooge is visited by three Christmas ghosts: The Past, the Present and the Future.

I've done a lot of thinking lately about the past and have even met up with a few ghosts of my own along the way. I find the past is at its most useful when helping you to shape your future.

When I was graduating high school and moving to L.A. I was consumed with the past. After battling many demons from my childhood, a few years later, I became obsessed with getting ahead and so my life became all about the future. It took a long time for me to be able to live in the present. That finally happened to me this year and when it did, it felt so amazing that I really bathed in it, ya know? Constant readers know I'm quite the extremist. I didn't want to look back at anything or anyone and I wasn't interested at all in tomorrow. It was a beautiful state of immediacy to live in and finding the ability to live in the present has given me the happiest moments of my life this year.

I have many resolutions in the New Year, but all of them share the common thread of finding the gray areas in life. My mom used to have this saying that the pendulum has to swing very far to both sides before it settles somewhere in the middle. I have lived in the past, the present and the future. I would like in my upcoming year to learn my mistakes from the past and to live in the present but never stop considering and planning for my future.

I don't know, maybe that's called growing up.

I've been reading Carrie Fisher's new book "Wishful Drinking" and in it she writes of hating AA Meetings: "It was at this one particular meeting that I heard someone say I didn't have to like the meetings, I just had to go to them. ... Well, this was a revelation to me! I thought I had to like everything I did! And for me to like everything I did meant -- well, among other things, that I needed to take a boat load of dope! Which I did, for many, many years. But if what this person told me was true, then I didn't have to actually be comfortable all the time. If I could, in fact, learn to experience a quota of discomfort, it would be awesome news! And if I could consistently go to that three-hour meeting, I could also exercise and I could write. In short, I could actually be a responsible adult."

I hear you, Carrie. What a revelation the obvious can be!

I would also like in the New Year to take better care of myself. That also seems a common solution to my many resolutions.

Becoming one of the busiest hosts on the West Hollywood scene has been good for my soul honestly because it has taught me how to interact with people a lot better. I've become a much more social, genuinely caring and attentive person because of it and I've also learned to be a MUCH better friend to people. But in the interim, I sometimes spend too much time taking care of others and not enough taking care of myself. A tree can branch out all it wants but if it's not being watered and cared for at the root, those branches are gonna snap! ...And boy, oh boy, have I found myself snapping lately! Sometimes at people who deserved it. But deserved or not, it's never the way to handle any situation. I hope that by taking more personal time for the gym and spiritual study in the New Year, that it will not only help me be an even better caretaker but also help me to determine better the people who are most deserving of it.

I turned 29 last month and in a year I will be 30.

I am not where I thought I would be or even who I thought I would be.

And for that, I thank God.

Happy New Year!