Do Grown Ups Have Best Friends?
I saw the movie Superbad this weekend and, while I did find it an utterly hilarious coming of age movie, I also found it extremely touching. At heart, I think the movie is about two best friends who realize they have become so attached to each other that it has stunted their growth, socially and internally.
Michael Cera (who I love from Arrested Development) says at one point, "I'm tired of you holding me back."
I said that to my best friend once. I've said it to a couple of them in my life.
It got me thinking a lot about "best friends."
There is a built-in co-dependency to that kind of friendship -- the two who spend every day together, share all their secrets only with each other and miss each other when one goes away for a long weekend.
I had one of those for a few years in high school. I had another one for seven years here in Los Angeles.
It's weird that I would see the movie this weekend because I was at my hairdresser's on Friday -- where all good strolls down memory lane occur -- and she said to me how much I've grown up in the past couple of years. I kind of stared off into space for a long while before finally being able to form the words, "It still sucks what I had to give up for that to happen."
I gave up my best friend and, like at the end of Superbad, we found a whole world that existed outside of each other and we found ourselves there.
I don't think grown ups have best friends like that.
My webmistress is one of the people closest to me and probably gets the trophy for longest-running friend. She is about ten years my senior and I seem to recall her saying something like this to me many, many years back, about how she "doesn't do best friends." Like most things that come out of her mouth, it often takes me many years to actually understand.
I've started thinking about my friends who are in their 30's and 40's, my family and friends of my family. I'm sure they all had that kind of Superbad "best friend" when they were younger, but now instead of one friend they do everything with, they seem to have a group of friends. And if you ask any of them who their "best friend" is, it's their boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife.
My last long-term boyfriend happened to be someone I'd been best friends with for five years before we fell in love. I had wanted that since I was in high school actually when I fell for a girl who was my best friend. I was never able to understand, even at that young age, why anyone would want anything less than the person they want to spend every day of their life with. That should be your partner! People tried talking me out of that concept for years and at times, I let them.
I don't know though, it seems to be something the rest of the world learns at 30.
Everytime I have let go of my co-dependent Superbad friendships (which I have no desire of ever having another of, please note), I have found the world to be bigger than I thought and found myself with more friends than I ever dreamed of having.
But I do miss having that one best friend.
Which I think really means I miss having a partner.
And at age 28, what is, after all, the difference?
Song of the Week: "Come Saturday Morning" - Liza Minnelli
...But we will remember long after Saturday's gone.
posted by Jason Sechrest at 12:39 AM
5 Comments:
Friends sometime functions as complementary role. Filling what you don't have in your personality. Different phase in one's life brings in different friends.
I never had the moment or experience of having a bff when I was young so I probably missed all the fun. Regardless, if you see someone or wanting some particular to be your bff (even if it's making friend, which like me shamelessly replying) be determined and don't give up. A true friendship will overcome obstacle along the path.
My 2 cents. Naive, environment, the role of superbud/bff. Your circle of socialization is small/restricted in teens/early-20s. And you think that's pretty much it so one is easy to be naive enough to think particular someone will be your bff. But once you leave school and horizon broadens, you just realize it's not what you think originally (but doesn't mean you should give up what you already had). Because you spend times with so many different people, you just want to find someone to dedicate your time with. And that's how the role of superbud becomes partnership. Other than that, there isn't any difference at age 28.
I'm not sure if it makes sense (because I don't make sense 50% of the time), but at least that's how I think.
Btw, we are all dying for love. But if we keep dying for it, it'll never come.
jimy
It doesn't matter what age you are. I have been thinking a lot about friends or more like what the difference between friend and acquintance really is. I came to the realization that I have lots of acquintances but very few true friends.
The friends I do have are very special to me and hopefully at 48 almost 49 they aren't stunting my growth but who knows but I wouldn't trade them for anything.
The idea of your partner being your friend is again true and if it is true at 28 it is really true at 48.
Thanks for sharing.
Interesting Blog Entry. I think we all have at least one best friend. My best friend is great. I hate to say this but I think some gay guys want their best friends to be their partner. Just because you can talk to them about anything and they listen. They might give you shitty feedback but at least they are there to listen. You mentioned what is the difference, the difference is you don't have sex with your best friend. You don't have to be jealous because they want to be with someone and not you. A best friend can tell you to go fuk yourself and you get over it or just tell them to fuk themselves, a partner tells you to fuk yourself and you're upset, you don't know to respond, you hold a grudge, you want to kick him out of your bed, you want to shoot yourself. So there is a difference.
Best friends are cool to have, I'm sure you'd be a good best friend. You have so much to offer.
Peace!
Hey man love the blog but if you think about it your gf/bf/lover is or should be your best friend. Trust me I know it's hard to lose your "Superbud" but it's a part of life that forces you to start spending less time with one another and more with work, spouse/lover, etc. There is always room for really close friends but it's just not always the way it used to be. Very insightful though!
Cody hart
Jimy - I like the last line! Makes a lot of sense! xo L, J.
Ronald - I think you're right on. As far as stunting one's growth, I think that only tends to happen in co-dependent friendships, "the bubble" I was talking about. You have a lot of other friends too so it seems you haven't fallen into that trap fortunately. Thanks for your insight. As always. xo L, J.
JT - Hmm... I dunno, I have worked in porn for too long maybe. I have sex with a lot of my friends! LOL... And I do get kind of jealous when they want someone else or I'm not the center of their world. That's the kind of co-dependent friendship I was talking about that I'm no longer interested in having. The all inclusive "one friend" bubble. Apparently, not as many people have experienced that as I had thought! LOL Thanks for your comments. xoxo L, J.
Cody - That was my point exactly. I couldn't agree more. xo L, J.
Post a Comment
<< Home