What Makes A Man
I have been slowly inching my way back to the dating scene for the past few weeks and it has been interesting because it is a whole different ball game now. When I bolted up and decided to change my life late last year and never settle for anything less, I was unaware of how it would affect absolutely every aspect of my life. Winter 2006/2007 was like transforming into this brand new person and now I feel like I'm getting a chance to live in my new, or rather "updated," person, constantly asking myself, "Why am I doing this? And why am I liking it?" and constantly answering myself, "Oh that's right! Becuase the new you actually would like that, wouldn't he?"
When it comes to dating, I am no longer looking for a boyfriend. I am looking for a partner.
Well, that certainly changes everything, doesn't it? I no longer need a boyfriend to make me feel good about myself or enjoy things that I could just as easily enjoy on my own. Would I like to partner with someone? Absolutely. But I don't need it and will be very happy investing in myself and giving to the world in whatever ways I can if that is to be my path.
This perspective changes the dating scene immeasurably for me because I don't want to waste anyone's time, especially mine. So I have discovered that what I really need is to separate the boys from the men.
Well, this seemed simple enough at first, but I'm now finding that in order to do this, I need to define what really makes a man.
I'm not at all discriminating when it comes to age. There are plenty of 40 year olds who are still playing in the sandbox and there are 18 year olds who can play their prodigal sons. So I knew immediately that for my personal definition, age was not a factor in what makes a man.
But men are at least supposed to be strong, right? Men are good with their hands. Men are virile, whatever that means. They have their shit together, right? Men can provide security and... I don't know, shelter. Something!
No, the truth is, what I'm really looking for is someone like my father. Yet, he is none of those things that we so often associate with what makes a man. He is selfless. He is in touch with his emotions, but never wallows in them. He would walk to the ends of the earth to make happy those who he loves. He is far from indulgent, putting so much before himself and his own desires -- his music, his family, his religion. He is strong in his faith and in his love. He is honest and loyal and knows the meaning of true friendship.
Yes, these things are, to me, what makes a man. Yet, for some reason, until now, they have always been the last things I think about when dating! I'm accostomed to measuring up everything from waist size to resume, but never these things. Never the stuff that makes "partner" material.
So, to all my fellow bachelors, before we all go off half-cocked about how someone isn't worth dating because they don't have a job or maybe they don't have much of a sense of style or perhaps they live at home with their parents, I implore us to ask of ourselves as we sit across the dinner table judging them silently, what it is that we're really seeking.
Your answer might not be the same as mine and that's fine but we have to be honest with ourselves. Some seek financial or physical security. Some seek subordinants. I don't need any of that. These days, I feel I have everything I need all in me and will take fine care of myself. In fact, I don't "need" anyone, but I want a true "partner," and so I am seeking a different kind of security of the emotional kind.
Good to define things before dinner is served.
P.S.: There are a so many songs that popped into my head while writing this entry. They all fit the mood nicely. I am going to let you vote on which you think should be my upcoming "Song of the Week" here and available for download on my MySpace and D-List profiles.
"I don't need no heartbreaker, fifty-faced trouble maker, two timing time taker, dirty little money maid, muscle bound cheap skate, low down woman hater, triple crossing double dater, yellow bellied alligator!" - Eurythmics, "I Need A Man"
"Now and then we wonder who the real men are." - Tori Amos, "Real Men"
"Tell me if you can, what makes a man?" - Liza Minnelli, "What Makes A Man?"
posted by Jason Sechrest at 11:39 PM
3 Comments:
i've said it before, i'll say it again. you fucking rock. everytime, you hit the nail on the head. this makes so much sense to me, right now, in my own personal situation. i swear, i love you. once again you have clarified for me a more enlightened way of looking at my own life situations, therefore helping me move closer to understanding. have a great day. much love, chuck
When it comes to dating, I am no longer looking for a boyfriend. I am looking for a partner. Well, that certainly changes everything, doesn't it? I no longer need a boyfriend to make me feel good about myself or enjoy things that I could just as easily enjoy on my own. Would I like to partner with someone? Absolutely. But I don't need it and will be very happy investing in myself and giving to the world in whatever ways I can if that is to be my path.
Well, first of all, what is your definition of boyfriend and what is the definition of partners?
Mine's pretty much the same. It's someone who you think (former) you can spend the rest of your life with and someone who you are with (latter) to spend the rest of your life with. The commonground is - spend the rest of your life with someone. Isn't that pretty much a labelling like gays and str8s?
I'm not at all discriminating when it comes to age. There are plenty of 40 year olds who are still playing in the sandbox and there are 18 year olds who can play their prodigal sons. So I knew immediately that for my personal definition, age was not a factor in what makes a man.
This leads from the last blog you posted about me joking at you are putting misery towards older people just because you think you're old at age 27, and me at 22. It is hard to define what is a boy and what is a man. But based on the 40y/o playing sandbox and 18y/o play their prodigal sons theory, it's labelling, isn't it? Especially the other day I was a shopping centre with mom, and the cosmetic sales lady said - is your son 29?
I think you, me and everyone at first pretty much set the boundary when it comes to age, but that boundary has just completely collapsed when i met my bro when he was my supervisor (don't ask me how) and the story just started from that point till now and still moving on. I kept telling myself may be it's exception, because he IS the 40y/o playing sandbox (well, literally speaking, but not that he isn't mature), but I realized, age isn't important. As long as it is someone that you love him and he loves you back and cares about you, I guess that's the main point. (But on the shallow side, I believe it was also his look that attracted me, otherwise it's really heard to imagine me with someone in their 40s and who doesn't look good)
May be this is a silly comparison, you probably heard about those "polluted" dog/cat food since last week. There's IAMS and whatever other brands, but everyone seems to realize no matter what food you call them, they're excatly the same, they all got polluted. It's like the relationship, no matter what you call it, a boyfriend, a partner, a buddy, a bro or a whatever, it's all the same (of course nothing realtes to the polluted things), it's all about having a caring and a loving heart.
cheers
Eurythmics, "I Need A Man" of course a Gay anthem even with Liza on the page! god I used to blast that one out of the car stereo heh heh when it was new and fresh just like I was! ;)
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