Things Have Changed
Things have changed.
It's a little frightening actually. Who is this person?
There are mornings I wake up and I have no idea who this person is. But I love him so much and that's a first for me.
- Somewhere, somehow, someone convinced me that there's no such thing as a monogamous gay relationship. That the idea of going behind someone's back and doing something you shouldn't is too hot to resist. This is not true! There are plenty of people repulsed by the mere thought of hurting someone they love. Not everyone is so selfish.
- I am a gentleman at heart, especially when it comes to relationships. I am my father's son. I may smack you around and spit on you in the bedroom, but I want to open the door for you at dinner and bring you a flower when I pick you up. I want to give selflessly (as I did in my last relationship, even!) because where I'm pulling from, I have an endless supply. I'm not afraid of running out of what I've got to give.
- Condoms. I'm using them. And I like using them! I like not using them too, don't get me wrong! LOL... I'm not going for sainthood. But health and self-preservation have become more important to me than self-indulgence now that I believe in my future.
- Adult entertainment has become like a 9 to 5 for me. It's work. And I love the family and I love the people and I love the work. But it isn't what I came here to do and it isn't what I want to do with the rest of my life. As a side business? Directing, producing? Keeping my company and site alive? Perhaps. But I have more to give as an artist (actor, musician, writer -- even director, maybe) than the audience here is willing to receive. It's like going to an Adam Sandler comedy and getting a foreign film instead. And you may well like both Adam Sandler comedies AND foreign films! But the bottom line is, the foreign film ain't what you came to see.
- These days, I believe what I feel in my heart to be true instead of what I see around me. This got beat out of me at some point. I started hearing, "Well, can you name one relationship where... ?" "Well, can you think of one person who has succeeded at... ?" Physical reality can kiss my ass. Because it ain't reality in my book. And any scientist, philosopher or priest will tell you the same thing. Laws and "reality" are meant to be broken. Example: Gravity to Airplane.
- I have always been the kind of person who says, "I don't have anything to prove to anyone. I can accomplish anything by myself and I don't need anyone's help." Fuck that. I have a lot to prove in the way of my talent and I am going to need friends, an agent, a support system, a good break, etc. to make things happen for me. I haven't even scratched the surface of what I'm capable of and that's something I have to prove not only to the world, but to myself.
- People change. And when they become something that is no longer healthy for you to be around, you cherish the person you knew and you let this new stranger go with love and without judgment. Or sometimes it's just you that changes! And that requires a re-evaluation and letting go as well.
- Worth. I deserve a real "partner," my ideal Selfless Gentleman and Private Whore. (And that's not expecting perfection. It's expecting someone to give it their all.) I deserve to be starring in the next Spielberg film because I'm certainly as good if not better than some of the actors in his last one. I deserve friends who aren't half enemies. (And they exist!) I deserve better than a one night stand. (And if it's gonna be a one night stand, it better be something ridunkulously hot! haha No more of this shit, "Oh well, at least he has a nice butt.") I deserve to be healthy. I deserve money. I deserve sleep. I deserve all my dreams coming true. And if for some reason they're not in my cards, I can go to my death bed saying, "I never lost sight of the dream and what I was worth..." If I don't believe in what's possible with all of my being, how can I ever expect any of it to come true?
The dark cloud has been lifted. I suddenly realize that last year was like... growing pains. I may be single, broke and overwhelmed with work, but I've never been happier to be alive in my life.
posted by Jason Sechrest at 12:37 PM
9 Comments:
Well, it's hard to say that it's nice to see you so positive, because I think you have always been positive, and your opinions in the past you have felt full heartedly. Were they the most healthy thing in your life? Not in my or probably a lot of other's peoples opinions, but to you at the time, you were okay with it. Dont beat yourself up over the past, and embrace this new change in you with the same gusto you have always had for life. You deserve all that you are expecting in a life, a good income, a creative outlet for your talent, good friends and a special lover or spouse.
Congrats on your new outlook and I know you are able to make all of your dreams come true. We all are, we just have to believe in ourselves, and in our GLBT community, and we can be more and more with each passing day. Have fun......GG
As far as show business, I used to hear Bob Hope say, "Lets Put On A Show" and it was that simple.... And my good friend Sonny Bono used to tell me that, if you want to make it in Hollywood, all you have to do is hang around long enough and someone will eventually give you a job! He used himself as an example, he could not sing a note and yet he had 10 gold records during his career and went on to become a member of the US Congress.
A person never knows what’s around the corner. When opportunity knocks at your door, learn to recognize it and jump at every opportunity to “put on a show” and separate yourself from the trash lying in the gutters of the city you live in. Lunch at Morton’s, not at the Abbey…
I feel so full reading this! Good to know I'm not alone!
if you think it's frightening to ask yourself who is the person in the mirror, mine's worse, may be devastating. I always think may be I should die right now and start my life all over again, and I don't get the sense of feeling that I love this person because starting 6 in the morning, my tempo began on a high speed drive that I don't have time to ask myself if this person in the mirror is lovely or cute.
Condoms. Eventhough I use it but I always think weird that I probablly got infected by HIV. I'm planning for a test (which takes 2 weeks wait thanks to canadian system) to convince myself that my thought was just a bullshit.
We're in this competitive society, regardless which industry, we have to prove the others that we're competitive and strong enough to survive in this society.
Happy weekend
Sometime it just takes a good long reflection on one's self in order for a great realization of one's life. I'm happy for you. :)
Its always healthy to have a positive attitude in life.
GG - How's this one Guru? Just hours after posting "I deserve money" I got a hefty bonus! haha It really is all about perspective! Thanks, as always, for your support and kind words. And no, I don't think those were "unhealthy" opinions at all. They were very healthy -- for me! -- at the time because I had to go through it. People just change their priorities. Doesn't mean these are any more "correct" than my previous ones. They're just right for me right now. xo L, J.
Anonymous - What a GREAT point! I actually called Angel Benton and read him your post! lol We both agreed we should, without abandoning our community and friends, definitely make a more concerted effort to be at places where the people who will help catapult us will be hanging out already. Only makes sense. And I totally agree with Sonny Bono. I've always believed that. There's too much mediocre talent out there to think otherwise. If you're really good, you've got one up on everyone already. Now, if I can just apply this advice to my life... lol! :-P xo L, J.
Eryk - No, you're not alone at all. And that's exactly how I felt reading your blog yesterday too! Change is in the air I guess. :-P xo L, J.
Jimmy - Sounds like you're racing through life! Don't forget that you're the one driving the vehicle and you can stop to smell the roses (or check your cute self out in the mirror) anytime you want. Nothing will fall apart. ;-) xo L, J.
Fuckin' Travis - Yes, the month of traveling was great reflection for me. Brought me out of the "bubble" and back to my roots in more ways than one. xo L, J.
the main reason being, was since coming out in 2001, I've been walking all the way through all alone (this will be unveils in Feb). The only way to keep myself busy and "distracted" is to move on quickly. It seems to be a habit right now but I did learn how to slow or stop. Consider last year, I've been waiting for my "bro" for like 2hrs+ just to see him get off from work, not only once, but several times.
Man, did you reach inside me to write this? I have a LONG way to go, but I dream of happiness, I have the career that can take me aywhere In the US, I just need to get the hell out of this closet I've been living in for so long! You Rock!
Jomo - Get it done! lol... You've only got one life to live. ...This time around, at least. lol ;-) xo L, J.
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