...And Still More Hope
While it may feel better to get out of bed in the morning than it has since I was 20, and while I may be filled with more hope and optimism for what's right around the corner than ever before, I had an interesting conversation online the other night that reminded me there's still even more I should be expecting from the world at large.I was in a chat room and there was this 20 year old who had been in a four-year relationship and was looking to date instead of "hook up," hoping to find a real partner. Granted, I only just turned 27, but for some reason I found the entire thing a little laughable.
After talking for a while, he expressed interest in dating me and I told him I would be very wary of that. I told him that, as I saw it, every boy needed to go through a phase of being "independent" and being "single" and maybe even being a "whore" so that you can sow your wild oats and get those things out of your system; otherwise, you're going to constantly be tempted and wonder what it would be like!
He, of course, disagreed entirely saying that he was only interested in love and would never need to go through a phase like that to "settle down."
I chalked it up to naievity and explained it to him like this: It's like when a mother has her child at a really young age. She's always going to wonder what her life would have been like if she had done it differently, right? If she could be free?
He said, "Um, not neccessarily. What if the child was the best thing that ever happened to her and she would never imagine wanting her life to be any different?"
I could only think of one thing to say.
"Oh."
I was stumped! He was right!
I was projecting. Just because I needed to go through that phase doesn't mean everyone else needs to go through it. And to assume that just because someone is younger than me and less experienced that they are going to cheat on me or that I will not be enough for them is not only pessimistic but self-deprecating!
I threw my hands in the air and realized in that moment I must've been just so far gone all these years to have let that voice in the back of my head that says, "Well, that will never work!" take hold of my entire being.
As far as I have come and as optimistic as I feel, there's still a whole lot of "assuming" and judgment based in fear.
Eh, it's a process. Not beating myself up. Just found it amusing.
posted by Jason Sechrest at 4:02 PM
15 Comments:
thank you for sharing your experiences. you are such an inspiration. and so talented, i love your tori cover. that is such a beautiful song. she would be proud. have a great evening...peace, love and hairgrease
ahhhh Grasshopper, you take yet another step closer to catching the fly with the chopsticks!! Love hearing you from your heart Jason.......GG
Jason, I don't know what was your state of mind at age 20, but I hope you don't forget the fact that gay teens/newbies/twinks, they tends to be naive, thinking they can skip the whore-yourself phase and landing onto the "happily ever after" stage straight forward.
I can pretty much see this dude eventually will have a rocky path in his relationship because he is building his own little babylon, waiting for visitors to drop byso he can make them be his man. And when they leave, he's heartbroken.
The reason why I say that was because at age 16, coming out, I had the same thought, just hook up with a nice and hot guy and settle down. But as these years passed by, I totally abandoned that naive thoughts. It'll never happen (Not because I was frustrated). You'll need to cross countless of crossroad before making to the final end and settle down. When time comes, it'll come, "the man in my dream" (Brian Hansen's quote on Derek and Romaine Show) will not falldown from the skies like a gift anytime.
He may be right, but, even if you have the best man/woman/baby/kid in the world, don't you ever had any second thought, even for just 1 second? May be he'll have a better life than us because you, me, and others, do this reality check, and looks back. We look forward carrying our past. He looks forward without any rocks on his shoulders.
I needed to go through that phase doesn't mean everyone else needs to go through it
Oh yes, I for one is the example, following your path at least (except not in the industry). We're all human being, we're all equal. We eventually HAVE to go through the same individual phase, but just in different environment and scenario.
Now, do I have the honour to get to talk to you on a chatroom or IM? no wait, may be i'm dreaming now. (but you can always see my status on AIM on my profile page, hehe)
Chuck - SO glad you're liking them! I have been getting a lot of requests for different songs. If you have any suggestions let me know. xo L, J.
GG - lol... the grasshopper grows as he tends to his garden. xo L, J.
Jimmy - You think we all have to go through that "whore" phase? I'm afraid I disagree with you here. If you'd have asked me six months ago, I would've agreed, but things have changed a great deal for me. In fact, I think most of the people I know in long, loving relationships are people who never went through that phase at all because monogamy was always the only path for them. How about this analogy? We're all told as kids not to touch the oven or it will burn us. Well, some of us don't need to in order to know that it will. Others are doubtful and have to get burned on their own before they learn their lessons. And to say that you have to be a certain age to find the love of your life is a little absurd too. What about the many high school sweethearts who grow old together? They're out there too, ya know. Some of us are ready to experience being a partner younger than others, just like some of us are ready to experience being a parent younger than others. You can't start deeming things like that or you're just putting up obstacles for yourself actually. Who are we to say when the love of our life will "drop from the sky" and when we'll be ready for it? And who is to say that anyone is ever ready for it? Maybe it's also about finding the person you grow WITH. Anyway, have a little hope. Have a little faith. No, have a LOT of it actually! What's the worse that could happen? I'm wrong? Oh well, at least I'll go to my death bed having lived in a world where anything is possible. xo L, J.
We all go through the "whore" phase in different mode under different environment. we can be a sex whore or a party whore or a ___ whore. It's not limited to sex (I guess we're too into sex). It applies to everyone whether in a long loving relationships or not.
I do agree Monogamy is the only path down the road.
The oven analogy. To me, again, To me only, that's a predictable one because you're being told. But throughout your life, are you being told a predictable event so that you can decide what to do?
I'm not saying the you can love someone only at certain age, because I know there are highschool sweethearts walking towards the end of their life in their 60s, 70s or 80s. What I was saying, is that at young age, we all have this naive thought about love, regardless gay or str8. We think we're prepared for love so we're out there looking for love. But we forgot that: Fairytale belongs to a storybook; Sun don't always shine; Dreams most of the time is just dreams; Reality is the cruelty.
Jason, past few days in your past blogs, I probably commented few stuff in a dark, depress way. I guess I'm being way too realistic compared to you and others. I have to be realistic to see everything in a clear view to protect myself so I don't get hurt. I have to be realistic to see everything in a clear view so I don't drop to the all time lows. I don't want to go back to those dark days (which will be posted in 3 weeks)m but it doesn't mean I have no hope or faith, (I guess those replies kind of sends you wrong signals about my personality) it doesn't mean I'm not a good lover, it doesn't mean I'm a heartless person. It's just that I try to be "awake" in every situation I'm in, even having sex. You'd probably argue that how am I going to be awake in every situation because some are out of my control, but I feel that, if this is something within my ability, why not be awake sometimes in case it happens?
Right now my relationship with my "bro" is smooth and well, but I'm "awake" because I never rule out the possibility that there may be one day, we may be forced to be separated because someone better than me will take him away. We had this promise to each other that we will walk each other towards the end of our life, but with me being awake, it doesn't affect how I love him and the amount of love doesn't get discounted.
My bud, the worse is always a death bed, I agree. However, this is my idealogy - why do I have to walk to that "worst" stage in my life and enters the deathbed? Cause I know there are certain stuff (which I don't know yet) at some points in the future and I don't want to step into the worst/deathbed and regret it in heaven or hell.
Jimmy - I think, for me, I've finally found a gray area. To take each of your contentions one by one: Fairytales don't always just belong in storybooks. The sun never really stops shining, it just goes away, only to come back. Dreams are only dreams if we don't manifest them into reality. And yes, reality is cruelty - but it is also very much equal parts compassion. There's a balance. I think you're right on in never ruling out the possibility that one day you may be forced to separate from your "bro" -- just please make sure you're also not ruling out the possibility that you may never have to be separated at all. Trust me, I know where you're coming from. I grew up in a home where promises were always false and the worst usually happened and I conditioned myself to expect it so I would no longer be disappointed. But I'm not a kid anymore, I'm not trapped in that cage that I grew up in. And if I continue to operate under those lines of thinking, then it's like I'm choosing to stay in that cage even though the door is open. If you only expect the worse, you will manifest it into reality. So expect miracles too. They happen every day. xo L, J.
This is just my opinion...
I never really understood the "self-whoring" phase that many of us gay men feel is necessary to find any kind of meaning to the whole lifestyle. Sure, we all (gay or straight) need experiences to grow from and upon. I've been there, done that, but what is truely the end result? Speaking for myself, yeah, I got what I wanted (for that particular moment), but wasn't honestly happy with it in the end. Not that I had many hook-ups in my life, but after each one, I couldn't help but think to myself, "I'm a better person than this" in the back of my mind. I really think it all depends on how mature you are mentally and feel that you are and can be "happily ever after". Am I far past the "hooking up phase"? I'd like to think so, but I know that it will still happen in the near future at some point. Eventhough, at the same time, I feel as though I can and am ready to be in a long term when the time comes. That area in between can be very confusing at times, I guess it all really depends on the person to know for themselves. Even at 27, I think I know, but I don't know it all. I still have a lot to learn, but I think it's a lot to learn about myself really. Does this make sense? I'm sleep deprived... lol
Gay men are like Hetero's in that some young guys I have known can fall in love right out of HS and make a go of it. I found it so much easier being a couple instead of single when I was 20. Most teen to 25 yo gay men are almost "hard wired" to find a BF, I was, But as I got older I felt I was chasing an unrealistic dream, that gay men were supposed to be rutters! So my "Hedonistic phase" started at 27 & ended at 34, I crammed a lot into those 7 years, really went off "full cocked" ;) Too many boys ,too much Crystal,,Shy,uptight ,formerly Religious Dewayne was going to be a party boy if it killed me and it nearly got did! Thats when I "found" my longest relationship. I feel I have had stable monogamous BF's since because I had that wild 7 year run. I think without the mindless sex I might have cheated when I was in those relationship’s, I think some of us need to explore & need that "sowing the oats" period. I have observed guys from an uptight Church background really do seem to need the "Release from Scriptures" & morals drilled into them, so they really know how to Party! Surely you have noticed how many porn stars come from SmallVille USA! they were usually shy in school, some even a little nerdy then they hit WeHo and THEY are the ones who think nothing of stripping & porn. Indeed some of our favorite porn stars usually project the image of "innocence" corrupted.The Boy or Girl "Next Door" making porn. Hey you havee really been on a new path since X-mas,,,I like the new introspective Jason, always knew it was there but nice to see you embrace it,,,,once again that is courageous because we all tend to prefer gazing at our Navels to getting up close & personal with our psyche. That’s why we have more Therapists & Gurus per capita (Cali)than any place else in the US. Why probe your inner being when you can pay someone to do it for you! Take care Jason DeWayneinSD
Unrated - That makes all the sense in the world actually. It's all about "you" at the end of the day -- even in a relationship because it's about what "you" can offer your partner. So the trick is to have your relationship with you be the strongest but put other's needs before your own. My last boyfriend couldn't fathom that to save his life and a lot of people have that problem. But that's just a case of not having your relationship with yourself be strong enough. You can never give someone too much of yourself because you're pulling from an endless supply. You don't ever run out of you. xo L, J.
DeWayne in SD - Agreed! I know I personally needed to go through it. But to project it on others and act like everyone must go through it or not give someone younger and less experienced than me a chance is defeatus (sp?) behavior. xo L, J.
Jason,
While I agree that some people need to go through a certain phase of being a "whore" or whatever before they settle down, I think it is unfair to assume that all guys are like this and that there are not sincere guys who don't wanna hookup, who want a relationship first and foremost. I think sometimes we are skeptical of the guys who don't wanna do series of random hookups because we want to bring them down to our level. I think we tend to get the impressions that these guys have the idea that they are better than us, albeit if we have been previous "whores" ourselves. I'm 29 and whenever I hear a young guy telling me he doesn't want the endless parade of hookups, well, I encourage it because it is their choice. I think it's also unfair to categorize him as naive because of his age. Regardless, the choices he makes are for him to determine their worth and value, not others.
I think you're aware the theory of love and weather. when you're in love, it's sunny. when you're in arguement, it's rainy. when you're on the edge of breaking up, it's a hurricane. Do you think when the sun comes after the hurricane, does it mean it's a total break up and you found your new freedom again or it's the recovery of a relationship?
You know why I didn't mention the possibility of may never have to be separated? Like you said, I may be continue to operate under those lines of thinking, because part of my personality is, never put too much of a expectation of good outcome because you'll be hurt the most when the expectation wasn't met. In contrast, if you keep in mind that the worst may be coming, it may not be so bad after all because that's something you at least calculated into the factor once.
And the reason why I no longer put expectations of good outcome, again, like you said, promises were always false and the worst usually happens. But after these years, it became a immunization shot which I'm at least 70% immuned from whatever worst happens. I'll only see it as something I'll just have to walk through the life.
There's one thing I'm wondering. If I only expect the worse, I'll manifest it into reality, but aren't we living in reality? Or does adulthood still allow to have dreams, 80% of unrealistic and 20% being the opposite way? I think I probably left the childhood/teenage phase so quickly that I even forgot there was such thing existed (except dreaming and sort of preparing to embrace the industry you're in )
Miracles? I'm not expecting them. Because if it does happens, it is sweeter.
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"Self-whore phase". I guess the reason why we kind of think it is sex related is probably due to stereotypes. It doesn't have to be sex, fucking around, banging hot men. This is the phase that you're expressing yourself in a repeatitive way, IMO.
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Relationships is not all about "you". I will nod my head pretty hard on this. But what if there's a valid reason for doing this? Does that downgrade a relationship to friendship?
Lastly, would you agree the fact that we sometimes are going through phase(s) which it is just meaningless but we still have to pass it through? Like the sex-whore phase. you, me, anyone can be a big-sex whore, but what does that supposed to mean?
jimyvr
Jimmy - Again, I understand where you're coming from because I used to do that. I just don't want to live like that anymore, always expecting the other shoe to drop, always expecting the worse. Because in my experience, when you expect the worst, you manifest it. You should know by now, I'm a very spiritual person. I believe that we create our own realities with the energy that we put out into the world. So if we expect the worst, that's exactly what we're going to get. That is not to say to expect nothing but the best either. Again, there is a gray area somewhere. ... And no, I understand what you mean about the "whore" phase not having to be sexual. What you're talking about is just "indulgence" in general. But I don't agree with you that some phases like that are meaningless because I believe everything happens for a reason. How could any phase we've been through be meaningless? We wouldn't be who we are today without having passed through it, right? xo L, J.
I think I'm just like a dumb blond (well, may be brown) haven't realize what it meant in those phases that I'm walking through.
You are an inspiration!
WM - I couldn't have said it better myself! It's not ours to judge what they choose with their life -- or what comes into ours! :-P xo L, J.
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