Random Thoughts Made Not So Random

It's past midnight in Florida and I need to be up early so I can at least get one blog in on "Jason's News Desk" tomorrow before I head off on this ridiculous flight back to Los Angeles that takes me so far out of my way before I even begin to head back. My total travel time will be 11 hours. Ridiculous. But this is why I'm saving on airfare!

I have, however, joined the ranks of those who belong to frequent flyer programs, my first being Delta Skymiles. With all the traveling I do, you may wonder why I haven't joined any such programs until now!

Well, the answer is simple: I was in my 20's and very stupid at the time. ...Five days ago.

Yes, I turned 30 on Thanksgiving and I can't tell you how forward I am looking to becoming a responsible adult. I've decided I'm going to really pull out all the stops and become a man! I mean, why not? If Chaz Bono can do it...

Of course, the definition of "man" is one that I've been thinking of a lot lately. Our grandfathers and great grandfathers may have had it twisted when it came to any form of healthy self-expression but they sure were selfless compared to the modern man. They saw themselves as providers and protectors; men who put their work and their loved ones before wanting to go play Nintendo Wii or get wasted or cheat on their wives.

I'd like to be a real man. ...Whatever that is. I try hard to be. For someone as completely self-consumed as I am, I oddly enjoy striving for selflessness. Or maybe it isn't so odd. Perhaps it's just a form of escapism from my general consumption of meeeee! HA!

But I have been blessed going into my 30th year with some sort of supernal light being shone on a laundry list of things I'd like to improve about myself. My health and body, my financial responsibilities, being a better rounded person and stepping outside the bubble of porn and West Hollywood more often (I used to be really good at that!) ...just to name a few.

At the top of the wash though is this really horrific habit I've recognized lately where I seem to harp on the flaws of those I love most. Strangers on the street I could care less about and seem to forgive of everything from cutting in traffic to murder! Alas, for the people I love with their addictions, ill manners or overall problems, I have an astute way of rubbing their noses in it like they're bad little puppies. And then I proceed to have the answer to how they can fix it, which usually boils down to "you are responsible for your life and create the existence you want to live," as that has really worked quite well for me! (And well, la dee da! Bully for me!) All of this is done, of course, in the pursuit of helping those I love the most to lead happier lives. My goal is never to hurt them, but to give them a wake up call, so they can feel a kind of bliss that I feel in my life.

The unfortunate truth is these are conclusions people must come to on their own and making the people I care about most feel like shit about what they've done isn't going to do anything but make them feel worse.

I think I've been lucky enough to surround myself with friends who, when I pull this disgusting little stunt, know me well enough to know that it comes from a place of love. (Yeah, I know. I'm REALLY lucky! I love my friends. Beyond reason. They are the best there is.)

I've often been very hard on the people I love most, though none as hard as I am on myself. I seem to expect the most out of them. I see in the people I love the best version of them and I want them to see it too and wake it up and make it come to life.

My name, interestingly enough, "Jason" ...it's biblical meaning is The Healing One.

So listen, my intentions are good. It's the execution that has been poor. Not always! But inevitably it seems to occur at some point with those I love the most.

Which leads into my final topic of thought this evening and that is the idea of "unconditional love." I got into a heavy discussion about this on my Twitter account the other day and was surprised how many people were interested and had opinions on the subject.

I've recently come to the conclusion that there is a difference between loving someone "despite" their flaws and loving someone INCLUDING their flaws. Not that you have to love the flaw itself, but loving all of the PERSON, even the parts they think no one could love, I believe that is my definition of true unconditional love.

Now, I'm not talking about being blind to people's flaws. That's not love, that's infatuation. I'm talking about seeing the person for the totality of who they are, light and dark... instead of putting them on a pedestal and only seeing the best in them.

Hmm... funny.

I mentioned earlier, I see only the best version of my friends. The pedestal is where I keep the people closest to me. And I'm up here too. We're all having a veritable blast up here but the air's a little thin and it can get cold. Not enough oxygen for a love unconditional to keep us all warm.

So the answer to my nasty habit? Love unconditionally. A simple conclusion most probably already know how to do, but for some reason lots of the most simple things in life have always come very difficult to me.

I have to be honest too and say that when I started writing this Diary entry I had no idea that it would find it's way full circle and give me some answers to my own queries. But that's the joy of writing for me. When I put the puzzle pieces in my head on paper, they start to form a pattern and the picture becomes clearer.

Until now I'd thought only of dealing with this person by person, but why cut a weed when you can pull it out by it's root?

Why not just remove the pedestal?

So we all fall down.