Long Day's Journey

My status has been pretty manic for the past three days, but it's a good kind of manic. I will go from crying at the drop of a hat over a commercial that shows best friends together to feeling this sheer joy of liberation I haven't felt since I moved to Los Angeles at 18 years old. Even through the tears, I feel like I can conquer the world again and that I'm not going to be surrounded by people who either intentionally or unintentionally bring me down, hold me back, don't support my dreams and goals or don't appreciate and value me. It's like I'm kicking ass and taking names and it just feels so good to be back in my own skin.

Yesterday began with less than four hours sleep and an email from an old classmate in middle school. We weren't good friends or anything, but for some reason she remembered me and found me on MySpace. She said, "You were quite a character. Very memorable. I liked your vibe because whether a person liked you or not didn't seem to matter to you. You didn't seem to care what anyone thought. You were always real and true to yourself."

Mmm. Thanks for the reminder, girl. I really was pretty fierce like that for quite a few years. But here's the thing. I think the older we get, the more we become susceptible to fear because we have more to lose. When I was a gangly unattractive teenager with no credits or work to my name stepping off the plane into Los Angeles the day after I graduated high school, I had nothing to lose. So why would I be afraid of shooting for the stars? Of asking someone out on a date? Back then, I based my confidence in my own self because I had nothing else to base it in!

But then you blossom. Suddenly you're being told you're a little cuter than you were the day before and you're winning awards and those things feel good. And you think to yourself, "Yeah! I AM kick ass because they said I'm kick ass." And that is a slippery fucking slope, my friend. Somewhere along the way, I gave that power to anyone other than me and those are my goodies, you know? That's your gold. That's your crowned jewel.

Not to mention the fact that I am so heavily involved in the adult industry. I mean, as if the gay world isn't focused enough on the superficial, the porn industry is about nothing BUT that! It's easy to lose your way here.

I had a lot of time to ponder this on the drive to and from San Diego today. I had some errands I needed to run before continuing this little holiday tour I'm on. ...Oh fuck it. Why do I care?! LOL... I had to pick up my repossessed vehicle. There I said it. In fact, let me just tell you what a fucking fiasco that whole thing was since we've broached the topic and I'm feeling a little more fearless than usual these days.

This Summer, as we all know, was like the worst time of my life for so many reasons. And how did I choose to deal with it? By laying in my bed all day, drinking martinis and eating bon bons with my puppy licking my face and a bunch of crumpled tissues surrounding me. Okay, so it wasn't quite that dramatic. But you get the point. I stopped working a lot. Too much. Thinking, "Oh I've never really hurt for money. It always seems to find its way to me, I'll be fine." Yeh, well four months, 25 pounds and a shriveled liver later, not so fine, right?

I should add that while I am able to find humor in anything, I am not proud of any of this, by the way. I think I mentioned recently that I'd heard someone say the true test of a man's character is how he handles himself in the face of adversity. And if that is the case then I have failed miserably this year at times. But it is also an extremely important lesson that I have learned and that is more important I suppose, at the end of the day.

So I set to go back to work (Hence my Hoes for the Holidays Tour -- do you see why I love Liza now? I can really relate to the bitch. We're broke? Let's make a comeback and take our show on the road, Pappy!) and in prioritizing my bills, I made a mistake somewhere and got the car repossessed. Which wouldn't be so bad if they hadn't then found out after repossessing it that the car was not only no longer insured, but no longer registered. So with all of that plus the towing fees, garage fees, etc. it cost me $3500.00 to get my car back. Only to find that it is at an auction site in San Diego where I had to go pick it up.

They gutted my 2004 blue Saturn Ion and took all of my stuff out of it (CDs, paperwork, clothes, laptops) and completely trashed it, smoking cigarettes with butts on the foor, a melted candle with wax all over the seat. Atrocious!

And as I was driving it back yesterday, I was talking to my car because I'm a little kooky like that. I like having conversations with inanimate objects. I think they have a lot to tell us. So I said to Miss Blue, "Girl, you have no idea what it took for me to come out here and rescue you. I'm so sorry, just look at what they've done to you." And she said, "Son, you're rescuing more than me today, you're rescuing yourself. The external is always a mirror image of the internal. Take a look around here and you'll see what you've done to yourself." And as I looked around, I realized, someone had gutted Miss Blue of all her goodies too. I started to choke up a little and she purred, "Now don't you cry. We're on the road now, right? The sun is setting and we're on our way back home."

Kyle Foxxx and his friend Travis were kind enough to drive me out to San Diego (thanks guys!) and we had decided that when we got back to town, we were all going to head out to Chi Chi LaRue's club Dirty Deeds at Fubar in West Hollywood. I hadn't been there since its first month. A big supporter of mine, Benjamin Bradley, was slated to perform and it's also the last time Chi Chi would be DJ'ing there before heading home for the holidays so I wanted to stop by and give the two of them a Christmas card.

Kyle and Travis ended up bailing after the long drive and I was swamped with work and considering that option too, but even with my lack of sleep, I decided to go with Angel Benton around midnight.

Can I just tell you? After the enlightening day I'd had, walking into that club basing my confidence in myself instead of other people's reactions to me? I have never received so much attention in one night. Ever. Not on a fucking red carpet, dressed to the nines with an award in my hand even. I was in ill-fitting clothes, I was running on Red Bull, I was bloated with bags under my eyes and recently started using this purple shampoo that has turned my hair this weird tint -- and I mean, the woodwork. Coming the fuck out! It was a nice confirmation that sexy is really something that comes from within and that giving that power away to other people's opinions is never a good idea, even when those opinions are complimentary!

On our way in, we ran into Drew Reeves, Kyle Aames, Tyler Mason and who I think might've been Brant Moore but I'm not sure. Inside, Ashton Ryan runs up, gives me a huge hug and picks me up off the ground. He introduced me to his new boy, an adorable hottie who he wants to bring with him when he does The X Show at RAGE and The Young & the Curious the first week in January.

Chi Chi LaRue had the most adorable Santa hat on at the DJ booth and said, "You're probably the last person I would've ever expected to see here." I was like, "WHY?!" and then immediately realized what a totally stupid question that was. LOL... But Chi Chi has been to my X Show twice now and all that weirdness is behind us I think. I really just wanted to see her before we both left for the holidays. Put a nice "cap" on our year together. ;-)

I gave Benjamin Bradley his Christmas card and gave him a huge hug. He was drenched in sweat from head to fucking toe. I was wet when I walked away from him -- and not in a good way.

I immediately spotted this dude from MySpace who I have been openly drooling over for a while now. If you were there last night, you'll know who I'm talking about. Mohawk. Perfectly placed tattoos. Great body. Chi Chi said he has huge cock too. (Um, how would Chi Chi know THAT?!) He offered to whip it out show me and I declined. "I see enough cock on a daily basis," I said. But he was fucking adorable. And humble! Sweet! You would totally expect a guy who looks like him to be cocky. Anyway, it was great finally meeting him in person for the first time. We nearly kissed each other. Or did he say "piss" each other? It was so loud and hard to hear. He was definitely all about the raunch though. And Lord knows I'm into that!

Constant readers might remember the cute curly headed Jew boy I used to drive to Agoura and bang in my car when he was still in high school. I think my code name for him here was "Agoura" actually. He showed up and told me he misses my cock. Which is always good to know! I asked him to give me a ring some time.

I also ran into my ex Christian Owen in the back room who was hanging out with Lex Sabre. Now, I'd heard that this "back room" was supposed to be insanely dirty with the strippers getting their cocks sucked and their asses eaten. But I didn't see any of that going on, much to my dismay! I thought the room needed a little more action so I asked the cute one, if I tipped him a 20, could I eat his ass? "Right here? No. In the dressing room, you can do it for free though." Love him. I told him he's my new best friend and to call me every five minutes.

Scott Swan is actually one of the bartenders at Fubar, which I never knew, so I said hello to him -- and then bartender Brad, of all people, from Micky's, works there now too. As it turns out, he's been banned from Micky's as well! What is with them banning people when they stop working there?! Maryann Face-Full over there is outta control! No, seriously now. They lost their best porn host, their best drag host, their best DJ and their hottest bartender. She's running that bar like George Bush is running this country. Into the fucking ground! Someone needs to impeach her ass out from behind that desk. Sorry, but it had to be said, girl. You're making bad decisions. Stop banning and blaming people other than yourself.

There were a few other flirtatious moments throughout the night, but the real kicker was when I ran into Anthony, a guy who I haven't seen since I was 21 years old. (What is with this "6 years ago" cycle I'm on lately?) We met in West Hollywood and kind of fell in lust with each other across a crowded dance floor immediately. He had a boyfriend at the time, but had an open relationship so when his man was out of town, I would come chill with him and we'd fuck. He's one of the few people I was actually versatile with because it was before I really knew I was a top. Hell, he may have even been the second or third person I ever did anal with!

So we liked each other a lot. Too much. And he had a boyfriend. So we had to end it. The last time we saw each other, he accidentally left his keys and a couple of rings at my place. For some reason, I kept them for six years. I never threw them out, thinking, "Oh well, maybe I'll run into him someday and maybe he really needed them." I found them again earlier this year and couldn't remember who they belonged to and finally threw them out. A few weeks later, he contacted me on MySpace and I remembered they had belonged to him. How weird is that?! He was a little disappointed I had a boyfriend I think and after a few late night conversations, we left it at that.

This week, when I broke up with my boyfriend, I thought about IM'ing him to say hello, but then thought, "That is tacky. Don't do that." But as fate would have it, I didn't even need to. I ran into him at Dirty Deeds of all places.

"What's really weird is I never go out," he says. "But I have found being anti-social can get really lonely."

My jaw dropped because I had just had this conversation with Angel Benton, saying the exact same thing. He went on to say that on most nights you could find him holed up at home playing video games in his Spider Man underwear. My jaw dropped even more. How did he know I have a huge fetish for boys in cartoon underwear?!? And this was just during the first minute we were reunited.

It was just a fucking blast seeing Anthony again. A blast from the past, to say the least! I hope we can see more of each other after the holidays.

So it was a good night, basically! If I'd had a short skirt and no panties, I would've been Britney. Good times. And I actually decided to go home by myself. Hmm.

On the way out, Lex Sabre says to me, "You have REALLY nice teeth by the way! I never noticed until tonight."

Maybe because I was never really smiling.

What a difference a long day can make.