How I Want To Go

Mikey had a dream about us the other night. He was standing on some high rise, like he was working in construction or something, overlooking the ocean. He was talking to me on his cell phone and looking out over the water when he saw a huge explosion in the far off distance. As we kept talking, it got closer and closer until he realized the water was boiling over and the Earth was burning up. He started calling everybody up to see it and started asking them what it was, if we would be okay, how did it start, etc. to which I screamed into the phone, "We're all going to DIE! So stop asking questions and tell me that you love me." (Which, by the way, is exactly what I would say in that situation.)

He told me he loved me and while everyone else scurried out of the building and tried to run in vain, he stayed and accepted fate, knowing running wasn't going to do anyone any good. I asked him to stay on the phone and sing the Tori Amos song "Little Earthquakes" with me until we died. And just as he sang, "And I hate... and I hate... and I hate..." the fire took over his body and burned him away.

Some people might think this is the most morbid dream ever, but I thought it was so beautiful, I cried. There's a lot of symbolism in the dream: His element is water and mine is fire. Me telling him to stop questioning and doubting and just give himself over to love. And the song speaks for itself, so much so in fact that I told him, "Look, whoever goes first, I hope we are there, holding each other's hand, singing Little Earthquakes to the final breath when it happens. That's how I want to go."

I don't think Tori ever meant for the song to be about the life cycle, but I also know that all good art takes on a life of its own and has many different interpretations. The physical self's breakdown and rebirth, death and life, is the body's own "little earthquake," transitioning your soul to another place. I don't think I can ever hear the song the same again.

We danced in graveyards here
With vampires until dawn.
We laughed in the faces of kings
Never afraid to burn.

And I hate...
And I hate...
And I hate...
Disintegration. Watching us wither.
Black winged roses that swiftly change their color.